subject: How to stop brothers from fighting [print this page] Fighting or violence should be prohibited in general, and in one's home in specific. When brothers are fighting a lot, it is important to see if the parental act so as well. If the parents are violent than there is no point is asking the children not to be violent since parents set that example.
To intervene or not to intervene in a quarrel- that is the question.
On one hand, parents who intervene in a quarrel usually enhance it, since before the children will be separated they try to gain more points, they try to justify themselves by shouting louder and the situation continues to be difficult. So maybe parents should not intervene?
On the other hand, if parents decide not to intervene, than they show no enforcement of the rules (no fighting). So maybe they do need to intervene?
From another point of view, children at early childhood have yet to acquire other skills to resolve conflicts. If parents do not intervene to guide them, how will they lean?
Alfred Adler said that when possible, parents should not intervene in a fight. This will help the children learn their limitations, the price of a conflict and how to solve a problem in non violent means. According to this approach, children will learn how much power they got, negotiation skills, the need to compromise, when to stand their ground and when to give up etc.
This may be true at more advanced ages (6+). At early childhood, it is important to teach the children alternative non violent ways. These ways will also assist to build up their emotional intelligence.
How to behave when the children/brothers are involved in a fight:
Allow a fight that does not include beatings to exist.
If there is beating, intervene and stop it. Ask them assertively one time to part (try to get them to part without your physical interference).
Remind them the rule: "there will be no hitting in our house."
Provide guidance on how to get along without beating. When doing that, note the following:Maintain objectivity. Do not take sides.
Use words that describe the feelings of the child (Are you angry, you're disappointed ....). This will allow them to be more aware of themselves and to adopt a more thoughtful way of dealing with these emotions in the future.
Find out what each party wanted, and raise other means of communication
Help the children understand what they want have them say that to on another. Have them exercise using words instead of hands.
Do not go into the trap of searching for who is right and who is to blame. There is no good way out from this trap.
Do not deprive the children of what they were fighting about and do not decide for the children how to resolve the quarrel. that is like taking a stand and you will end up hurting or disappointing one child.
Instead, suggest other ways of coping with the situation and have them implement what ever they find appropriate.
Praise the children when they show a desirable behavior.
What about Time out?
Many advisors will recommend sending the children (age 3 or so) for a time out in different rooms. I often suggest that the parents should be the ones to take a time out and go somewhere else.
If Parents behave as the judges, than the children will look them up whenever they run into a conflict. If parents will give the children guidance and help them come to a solution on their own, the children will learn to resolve their quarrels in a non violent way and there will be less quarrels. Isn't that what you asked for to start with?
