subject: My Spouse Isn't Sorry For His Emotional Affair [print this page] Last night, I received an email from a woman who told me that her husband had an "emotional affair" with a coworker but he continued to downplay this, as though it weren't really a big deal. The wife had found emails that showed that this relationship was really inappropriate. The husband was confessing and confiding things about his marriage to the coworker that had clearly crossed the line. However, he insisted that since they had no real physical or intimate contact, that "nothing had happened."He insistedthat the wife was making a big deal out of nothing.
This was certainlyquite something to the wife. She was deeply hurt by thisand could not stop thinking about it. His inability to take thisseriously, to be deeply sorry, and to try to fix this mess wasseriously affecting and endangering their marriage. But, the wifecould not make him see this and she suspected that he really didn't care nearly as much as she did. She wanted my advice as to how to make him see that this was a serious problem.She wanted to do somethingto make him sorry so that he wouldn't do this anymore and they could move on. I'll tell you what I told her in the following article.
Getting A Spouse To Take Your Hurt From The Emotional Affair Seriously: The first step in getting some remorse is to make them understand how serious this really is. Because often, them saying that because "nothing happened," this fact puts this relationship in a whole different, and less damaging, category are not just empty words. They really do believe this. Sure, deep down, they may have a nagging feeling that what they are doing is not right. But, they are able to tell themselves that nothing has happened and that perhaps they are confiding things that you would not understand or that they don't want to burden you with.
That's not to say that you are not wrong and that you do not have the right to feel what you feel. I'm telling you this because I want for you to know that in their mind, they are probably being truthful. So, to get the remorse and apology that you want, you're going to have to make them see that this is a huge betrayal in your eyes that is a very big deal.
If you have not had a calm, rational and frank discussion about this, now is the time. Often, as unfair as it is, if you are overly emotional or extremely angry, they are going to tune you out, if only as a means of self protection. So, it's important to choose a time when you can be as calm as possible and communicate to them that, whether they agree with it or not, this is a major issue for you that needs to be fully addressed and rectified.
You can follow this up by asking them to take action because they value your feelings and your marriage more than they value being right at all costs. And, you can also ask them how they would feel if they if they had read that email, or heard those conversations, or seen that interaction, with you and a male friend or coworker even though "nothing" technically happened.
In truth, it really is "cheating" if you are doing something that you would not do if your spouse was standing right over your shoulder. If you keep it secret, then you must know in your heart that your spouse would not approve and that it is wrong in some way.
Getting The Apology And The Rehabilitation That You Want After The Emotional Affair: After you've been able to communicate that this is very serious and hurtful to you, give it a bit of time. It may be too much to want the understanding and the apology all at once. (This is not fair, Iknow. But, the fact remains that you and your spouse are seeing this quite differently.) The goal should be to move forward and make a bit of progress between you.
If you think about it rationally, it's quite likely that you want your strong marriage back. So, don't act in such a way that is going to make him feel less close to you and more close to the person that they've been emotionally cheating with. This may require for you to take very small steps as you are able. That is completely acceptable and understandable.
But, as you begin to make a bit of progress and your spouse is a bit more receptive, then it's time to again communicate what you need in a calm and direct way. There is nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you need for them to understand thattheyneed to be sorry because they understand how this affected you. And, you need for them to express their remorse as it helps for you to believe thatyou don't have to worryabout it happening again(since they know that his hurts you the way that it did.)
In truth, the apology is certainly important. And, you do deserve it. But, what is more important is where you go from here. Because you need to concentrate on your relationship with your spouse, not on his relationship with someone else. The truth is, it's not time that heals the wounds. It's what you do with that time that counts. So take decisive action to rebuild the trust and the bond so that you really can move on and obtain the close and bonded marriage that you really want and truly deserve.
I know that this betrayal feels every bit as real and as troublesome as a physical affair and it should be dealt with accordingly. But, that doesn't mean that your marriage can't recover. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.
