subject: Should I Know Who Or What My Spouse Is Texting? [print this page] I get a lot of correspondence from people who are concerned that their spouse's excessive texting might mean that spouse is cheating. People often ask things like "should I know who my spouse is texting?" Or "if my spouse is secretive about their texting or deleting their messages, does this mean they might be cheating?"
And people who have never worried about their loved one cheating on them may find such concerns to be silly or to be an intrusion on someone else's privacy. But to be fair, I have to say that the people who are asking this question are often also seeing other suspicious behavior that is contributing to their concern about the texts. In other words, it's not as if everything else is fine and great and the relationship while the suspicious person is just looking for things that aren't there.
Often, the person asking this question has noticed other things or behaviors and the messages are just one additional thing that makes them feel uneasy. People often ask me how they should proceed with these types of suspicions. They often ask if they're right to be concerned about this and if they should confront their spouse or demand to know who they are texting. The answer depends upon the relationship, past behavior, how much texting is really going on and how excessive it is, and the likelihood of getting an honest or accurate answer.
Some people have the kind of relationship where they don't feel at all odd about asking about the messages or even asking to see them. And, if your spouse is willing to hand over their phone and you aren't seeing anything else to cause you concern, then there's nothing wrong with this.
In fact, sometimes this type of messaging is innocent. Women in particular enjoy texting other women friends, although men usually aren't frequent texters with other men. However, in this situation, a woman will usually be quite willing to share this with you and not be secretive about it. And you generally won't get a weird vibe when your spouse is messaging friends or family members about things that are innocent.
But unfortunately, this isn't often what happens. Usually, the faithful but suspicious spouse will sense that there is something wrong with what they are seeing and will ask about the messages. Quite often, the texting spouse will become very defensive and perhaps even angry. Or, the messages have been (or will quickly be) deleted and the cheating spouse is much more careful from that day forward. (Frankly, when your spouse tells you that their texting is none of your business or gets defensive, this is often a red flag.)
My answer to the question as to whether spouses should know what or who the other is texting would be "sometimes." In a healthy and open relationship, there often isn't really a reason to ask this question or to be suspicious. Messaging is popular and common and many people find it a convenient way to communicate. And, it's usually somewhat easy to tell if you have a reason to be concerned.
With that said, it's also a very common and popular way for people to communicate with the person that they are cheating with. So being concerned about this is understandable, especially if you have other concerns in other areas. There are tools that will allow you to see who the texts are coming from or going to (and sometimes even what they say) but honestly, it's usually preferable to have an honest conversation with your spouse is this is possible.
I was in this same situation a short time ago. My heart knew that the texts meant he was cheating, but my head didn't want to acknowledge it. I told myself that I was just seeing things that weren't there. But deep down, I knew I was kidding myself. After thinking on it for a long time, I decided that I really wanted to know the truth, no matter what that truth was. I learned how to get concrete information that he thought that he had hid and erased. And I found exactly what I feared. You can read a very personal story at http://catch-the-cheating.com/
