subject: Why Do Marriages Fall Apart? The Answer May Save Your Marriage [print this page] I get a lot of correspondence in which the person asks for suggestions as to how to save their marriage perceives that if they could overcome just that one main issue that is ending their marriage, then they could save it. However, that main issue is commonly very elusive and difficult and this is often why folks become absolutely obsessed with or fixated on it.
This can become a problem when that one issue that you are focusing on is really not the one that is standing in your way. I have people tell me that money is ruining their marriage, or that their partner has "changed," or that they can't interact with their partner without fighting. Often, they perceive that some mechanism in the marriage has changed very quickly and that these problematic things have over taken the marriage and have derailed everything.
These conceptions are sometimes not accurate and they become misconceptions that can make things worse. People so often blame changes in their marriage rather perceiving the changes in their situation, changes in the way in which they spend their time and in their priorities, and changes in their perceptions. In my experience and opinion, the reason that people's marriages end is often not the reason that they blame for the divorce. They often can not see the forest for the trees. Often they are blaming the symptoms of the major issue rather than identifying the real issue itself. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Ending Marriages Often Come Down To Perceptions: In conflicts that end marriages, perception truly is reality. Either or both parties can be completely misreading how things really are. They could be completely and totally wrong. Unfortunately though, this does not matter in the end. Because it takes two committed people to remain married. If only one party perceives that they are going to be better off alone, then this perception is what must be overcome before anything is really going to change in the long term.
Of course, the situation surrounding the marriage is going to affect each person's perceptions. But, you will usually have much more success if you focus on the perception rather than the reality. Many people make the mistake of going after the money issues, or following up the stress, or blaming the communication clashes. And, these things are most definitely compounding the problem. I am not saying that they don't. Nor am I saying that you should not address them.
What I am saying though, is that you often need to understand that the external issues are mostly symptoms of the internal issues. So, only fixing the financial issues (or whatever else might be going on,) will often not magically fix everything as you had hoped it would. The reason for this is that you've done nothing to address the perceptions and to address the distance and lack of intimacy that is often the result of the perceptions.
Always Try To Address The Distance And Lack Of Intimacy Before You Tackle What You Perceive Are The Major Issues That Are Ending Your Marriage: I believe, from my own experience and research, that the vast majority of people go about saving their marriages in a backward fashion. What I mean by this is that they will come to believe that it's the fighting, or the finances, or the "changes" in someone that is causing all of this turmoil. So, they will focus all of their attention on that thing.
And, they will be even more frustrated when they meet resistance. They will then sometimes come to the conclusion that their partner doesn't care or that the situation is too far gone. What they often do not realize is that they tried to make huge strides and changes without laying a proper foundation. Often, they come at these problems when neither partner is really listening, and both feel like it's a situation where it's every person for him or herself. They will sometimes allow these set of circumstances to contribute to their giving up all together.
This is such a shame because if they had just delayed tackling these big issues until they could restore some intimacy and sense of cooperation, the results may have been so much different. You are going to get such a better response and potentially more cooperation if you first begin to restore some intimacy and some sense of "we" instead of "I."
Sometimes when I tell people this, they will say things like "so, you want me to just ignore these huge issues and act as if this isn't happening and just to pretend like we're happy when we aren't?" This isn't quite what I mean. I'm only saying that if you can shelf the issues until you are reconnecting, you will often have a much easier time of all of this.
You don't have to pretend that nothing is wrong, but you might want to consider just trying to lighten things up so that the both of you can breathe freely again. And, you can't expect that this is going to magically happen very quickly. It does take time. But if both of you can agree to just try to make your home life better because the tension is doing you no good, you will often see some gradual changes.
People often forget that they know how the they and their spouse best connect and interact. They actually do have a blueprint. But, they've forgotten it or allowed their frustration to overshadow it.
The Progression Of The End Of A Marriage: I hope this article has shown you that it's quite possible to misunderstand the reasons that many marriages end. It's often so much more about a lack of intimacy that leads to destructive perceptions which can be hard to overcome when you're focusing on the external symptoms rather than what is really wrong.
Yes, all of the common culprits money, communication, and sexual issues do almost always crop up following a lack of intimacy and changing perceptions. But these things are symptoms rather than causes. And often if you successfully address the causes, the symptoms will in turn eventually go away also.
There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at it's end. We had seemingly tried everything from counseling to a trial separation. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle (by focusing on my own time and efforts) and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
Why Do Marriages Fall Apart? The Answer May Save Your Marriage
