subject: I Can't Figure Out Why My Husband Is So Unhappy In Our Marriage [print this page] I often hear from wives who tell me that living in their homes means that they feel as though they have to walk on eggshells all of the time. This is because they perceive their husbands to be deeply and continuously unhappy and so they are always trying to avoid situations or behaviors that make this problem worse. This is usually even more complicated when the wives have no idea why the husband is so dissatisfied with the marriage. I often hear things like "I just don't get it. I'm a very attentive wife. I keep our home nice. He always has dinner waiting. I try to be attentive and receptive and yet, no matter what I do, he sulks and acts as though it is never enough."
Sometimes it seems as though the husbands that I hear about are one person or, at the very least, many different men with very similar personalities. I often hear the wives describe these husbands as moody, depressed, non receptive, quick to become angry or frustrated, and just lacking any joy or appreciation in life.
I agree that this is no way to live. This robs you of the joy and well being that is one of the reasons that couples get married in the first place. This is especially true if children are involved. You do not want for them to think that this behavior is normal or desirable or that this is what they have to look forward to. So, in the following article, I will offer some advice to help you understand why he might be so unhappy in the marriage, and I will also offer you some tips on how you might make the situation better.
Are There Factors In Your Marriage That Might Be Contributing To His Unhappiness?: Let's get this out of the way first because this is the one thing over which you have some control. I sometimes also hear from the husband on the other end of this equation and he often tells me that what's wrong with him and the reason that he's grumpy is very obvious to him and should be obvious to the wife. However, he perceives that his wife just wants to "put on a happy face" and pretend that nothing is wrong.
I'm not saying that this perception is correct, but I am saying that this is the way that he sees it. I often hear things like "To me, it's like my wife thinks that if we don't talk about it, or acknowledge it, then it doesn't really exist." Sometimes I hear things like "This is not the woman that I married. She doesn't take the time to truly listen to me any more. She's always consumed with the kids and the house so that we never have much fun anymore let alone any spontaneity. We used to laugh and laugh. Now, we just repeat the same cycles every single day. And these cycles are just filled with chores and kids and monotony."
This can be frustrating to hear. I know this. Your first inclination is probably to think something like "well the kids aren't going anywhere and we have house payments to make. So, although I would love to fill each day with fun, we live in reality. It's about time he accepted this and acted like an adult."
I see both sides to this, but as a wife myself, I completely understand all of the things that women juggle. It can weigh you down so that it can be difficult to be that fun loving, happy go lucky person that he really wants. But, there is often a compromise somewhere in the middle. Often, if you will at least begin to move toward his wishes, then you, in turn, will get more of what you want.
He'll begin to be less moody and nicer to be around. The tension in the house will start to fade. As this happens, it will become much easier for you to show the attributes that he's wanting to see, since your load has also been considerably lightened.
Could He Projecting Unhappiness From Other Areas Of His Life Onto Your Marriage: Many times, it's not only the marriage or you that is the problem. Men will commonly project disappointments from other areas of their lives onto you and bring this into the home. Perhaps his boss is demeaning and abusive. But, he's not in any position to do anything about it. So of course, he will bring that home and take that out on the one person who is available you. Maybe he's having issues with his extended family. Maybe he's evaluating his professional life and isn't earning or succeeding anywhere near as much as he hoped he would. There are many reasons that he could be disappointed with this life right now.
And although it isn't fair that he projects this onto you and the marriage, this very often happens. So how can you deal with this very unfair situation? This is a tough one. You have to make him aware that releasing it rather than keeping it inside can help. Doing this can be difficult with men, who will often resist sharing their feelings because they perceive that doing so is "weak." You can try to work around this by sharing your own struggles. You might mention YOUR boss or YOUR disappointments. You want to show them they you aren't creating an atmosphere of glossing over problems. You want to create and safe and supportive place where they can unload their burdens so that you can both move on.
Cultivating Your Own Happiness So That He Will Follow: There's no question about it. This cycle is exhausting. You have to take care of yourself so that you don't begin taking on his attitude. You deserve to be happy too. Sometimes, you can only do all you can and then you have to turn you attention back to yourself. I can tell you that many husbands really want that confident, light hearted wife that they met when they are dating. They want this more than they want the worried woman who is always asking them "what's wrong?" or who is saying "just tell me what I can do for you," etc. This isn't all that attractive. What is attractive is someone who takes responsibility with her own happiness and well being.
Make him aware that yours is going to be a happy and loving home. He can either get with the program or he won't, but you aren't going to let this bring you and your children down. Often, you'll find that if you act "as if" and begin to just go about your own business, he will at first be shocked but will eventually fall into step. Control what you can. You know the things that bring you happiness. Make sure that you provide them for yourself. Do not wait for him to do it for you. If you show him a happy attitude, give him the space to process his own issues, create a supportive environment where he can unload, and then show him that you are not dependent on him for your own well being, you will often see a noticeable improvement.
Unfortunately for me, I ignored the little voice that told me that my husband was unhappy and that my marriage was in trouble until it was almost too late. I just told myself that we were "comfortable" rather than accepting that we were growing apart. This almost cost me my marriage. Luckily, over time (and by taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
I Can't Figure Out Why My Husband Is So Unhappy In Our Marriage
