subject: Someone On Your Team Rub You The Wrong Way? [print this page] Here Are Three Ideas To Help You Build More Collaboration
by Michael D. Hume, M.S.
One of the toughest problems facing many of the leaders I've coached has been trying to collaborate with someone with whom they just don't get along. "I don't know what it is," said one of my coaching clients in describing the problem, "the guy and I just don't click. I know he doesn't like me; I'm not sure why. He's not my favorite person either, but I'm trying to reach out to the guy because I still have to work with him. If I can, I even need to inspire him. What can I do?"
You can't make someone like you, and most people think you can't even make yourself like another person. I would agree. There's no magic trick you can use to turn someone from "not my favorite person" to a good buddy... but if you need to inspire someone with whom you don't enjoy a great relationship, there are a few things you can do to try to build more of a sense of collaboration. I've had some success with all three of these, both on the part of clients I've coached and in my own experience; but as they say in those weight-loss commercials, your results may vary.
First, check yourself out. Have you really put your best foot forward with this person? The first time you ask yourself that question, of course, you'll say you've given it your best shot. But go back over the first few interactions with this person. Did you say or do something to put them off, even inadvertently? What about the circumstances under which you were introduced... might someone else have set the relationship up for failure, even if unintentionally? If you can think of something you did to offend the person, even if you didn't mean to, or even if it was a seemingly harmless thing that could've been misinterpreted, apologize. (Some people refuse to apologize if they can't convince themselves they've done something wrong... if that's you, this won't work for you. You don't have to apologize, of course, but refusing to do so leaves a tool sitting idly in your toolbox that might otherwise be of some use.) If you honestly can't think of anything you've done, ask the person! If you reach out with something like "I feel like you and I might have gotten off to a bumpy start; did I offend you?" - it might go some distance in helping the other person feel better about the relationship. At the very least, you will have put them on notice (in a nice way) that you are aware of the tension in the relationship, and that it's not acceptable to you. Getting those messages across is crucial.
Here's another idea that might sound a little crazy to you: make a list of the things you genuinely appreciate about the person. Maybe she puts you off with her blunt, harsh style... but maybe you can appreciate what a brilliant problem-solver she is. He might drive you nuts talking and talking all day... but he might be one of the most creative folks you've met. Try to write down at least three things you genuinely appreciate about the person. It might help you shift your perspective on him or her, at least a little bit. Sometimes that can make all the difference.
Finally, here's a trick I learned as a stage actor that has worked really well in some situations like this. Write a bio, or life-story, about this person. Importantly, don't interview him or her and write it factually: make it up! Most people behave in ways that are rational - from the perspective of what's gone into their lives that has brought them to where they are today. In the theater profession, we often made use of this technique to help us understand why the characters we were portraying would do the things the script directed them to do, or say the scripted lines, or make the scripted choices. So what back-story would make your co-worker's behavior make sense? I'm not saying you should psycho-analyze the person, or excuse their rotten behavior as resultant from an imagined bad childhood or something. What I'm saying is that the person's behavior is very likely to be rational in some world - theirs - and it's a world you haven't imagined yet. Writing their bio might help you gain the insight you need to build enough empathy for the person to make a difference in collaboration - and even inspiration.
There are some people for whom these techniques won't work. There are some you'll never "click with." For instance, if I think someone has broken the major rules of life, I distance myself from that person, and I do so with a clear conscience (I want to spend my time and life with people I like and respect). Still other folks do have some mental or emotional problems that prohibit them from connecting with you - they might be withdrawn, or even passive-aggressive. But you should know that the percentage of the population that falls into these categories is low. If you discern a pattern - if it seems like every other person assigned to your team is a psychopath or a sociological misfit - you may need to consider that the problem is not with the other folks, but with you. But for many run-of-the-mill cases of failure to get along with a teammate, you might have luck with these approaches.
