subject: Dad - I know now - Dedicated to Uday Shankar Sharma [print this page] A very good friend of mine once told me ,"You are never really an adult till you lose one of your parents". The depth and enormity of this statement is still sinking in for me after a full month since my dad's death.
Death The very word has a ring and tone of finality to it that is inevitable and yet in today's world it is also surreal.
Feb 22'08 Boston Airport 1p.m.: I get the phone call from my mama' in India, "The news has come Uday is no more" that's it 75 years of my dad's life ended alone in the hospital the orderly recording the death, calling the nearest available relative. Words failed me I tried to recover - bring my voice back I confirmed that my mama' was ok and that my brother was on his way to India. We had talked before that we would stagger our visits in case this happened since my mom was also in the hospital and could not be informed.
I walked out of the lounge, headed to the rest room and washed my face to compose myself. I placed a call to my wife and let her know the news and right after that I sit down and join a client conference call a mere 20 minutes after I received the news and one hour after my dad's death in Joy Hospital in Chembur, Mumbai, halfway across the globe.
As my flight for San Francisco took off, I closed my eyes and my mind wandered into the land of memories wonderful, painful, fortunate and unfortunate. My dad had lived a full life and had provided a wonderful life's foundation for me always sacrificing his desires over the children. I remembered how he had smiled and paid for my trip to Kashmir (in eighth grade) the day he had come home after losing his job of course at that time I was oblivious to the losing job' fact. How he carried me on his shoulder night after night when I was sick with asthma during my childhood years. His enormous spirit in comforting me and always bringing in a positive attitude. He had a tremendous capacity to find humor in every situation and a philosophy that was years ahead of his generation. He always cracked silly' PJs like the # of "girlfriends" he had since every "girl" he knew was his "friend" J. His ability to place himself in other people's shoes' allowed him to empathize with others to the point that it sometimes caused him harm (folks always find a way to take advantage of one's kindness).
Our violent argumentative years flashed by- when he was not happy with my love marriage and while he was happy that I was happy, he was not happy that I was so far from him and did not get to meet often In the end I wondered was it worth it to argue so much? Did he ever feel that way too in the end? I could never understand to date why he was so negative about coming to US (even for a visit) In the end it was a multi-variable complicated equation in other words we don't know and will never know.
I remembered our great coffee and early morning tea sessions The ones where we truly bonded, discussed global politics and other "trivial" matters of the world. His simple yet effective advice like "Anger is one letter short of danger", "Patience is king", " Always remember the good things in your life and feel blessed at what you have not at what you don't have" . Whenever I visited my parents, it was a ritual for me to prepare the morning tea and sit down with him we had good times over tea and biscuits In fact even when they did visit US in 2003, the first thing we did after reaching home from the airport was tea, biscuits and snacks!. I still remember his words on coming out of immigration at the airport "I feel relieved and this feels like a dream world to be here with both my sons" !.
And then there were the last few years When his health started failing him and each day was worse than the last Depression, cardiac arrest, brain surgery the list went on. The vivid image of helplessness and extreme frustration is permanently etched in my memory as I was helping him to get ready' in the morning. I could sense his relief and happiness at the fact that his child was here to help him while at the same time he was ashamed and frustrated at his condition After all being a merchant navy engineer who sailed all the continents he was not used to being stationary and seeking help for anything in his life. He could also make out my feeling of comforting him and striving hard to hold back my tears as I helped him. It was one of pity mixed with sorrow and extreme frustration at his luck he deserved better is what I felt and was saying with my eyes.
Now he is gone and there are so many unsaid things hanging in mid-air. I wanted to tell him I now understand why he sacrificed everything for us I now have a two year old - I now know what the feeling is for one's child and how it can never go away with age, time or disagreements. I wanted to share my life and ambitions with him Tell him he did a great job as a dad and if I were to do it again I would have no other dad but him.
I now know what it means to be an adult and why a parent would sacrifice everything for their kid. I now know from where he got his strength to carry me on his shoulder the whole night and then take a flight next morning to join his ship. I now know his feeling of unconditional worry and love for us. In the end he paid the ultimate sacrifice.
So for all those of us who have not done so far pick up the phone and make that call, take the trip, share the photos, do not be afraid to say "I love you" because by the time you grow up it is sometimes too late
"We are now ready to land in San Francisco", boomed the voice of the air hostess as I woke up.
My dad A fine man, A great father, A good husband and one of the few pure, unadulterated souls in this world May he rest in peace and gets my message somehow I now know and understand!
Dad - I know now - Dedicated to Uday Shankar Sharma
