subject: Should We Stay Married When He Had An Affair? [print this page] The women who write me are usually trying to save their marriages, not leave them. But, as most of them are struggling with moving on past their husband's affair, this is often easier said than done. There is often a huge and awkward elephant in the room that is standing in the way of this. Often the intentions are there, but the ability to move on is more difficult than you might have hoped.
I'm often asked just how Iwas able to stay married (and eventually happily married) after my husband's affair. It was not always easy. There were times when I was sure that we were not going to make it. But, we, and I, hung in there even when it was sometimes very difficult to do so. Iwill share with you some of the struggles that we faced, and how we eventually over came them, in the following article.
Deciding That You Want To Stay In The Marriage After Your Spouse's Affair: Some people come to this decision quite quickly, as they are very clear on the fact that they have worked too long and too hard to build this life for themselves and for their families to just allow someone or some act take it all away in the blink of an eye.
Some people take longer to come to this decision. They are not sure if the affair is a deal breaker or something that they can either forgive or come to terms with. They doubt their ability to ever really let this go or to be able to release their anger and blame. They worry that they will no longer be able to lookat their husband in the same positive or sympathetic way again. But, as the real details begin to come out and time begins to lessen the shock and pain, they are eventually able to come to a place where they are able to separate the act from the person. They are eventually able to remember all of their spouse's redeeming qualities and all of the really good things that he has done, which hopefully sort of cancels out the one bad thing.
For myself, I was in the second group.I came to the decision to stay very gradually and Ieven changed my mind a few times. But, at the end of the day, I saw that my husband was also struggling, that he was doing everything in his power to make this right, and that he had a lot of positive history with me that Icould not turn my back on. However, this is certainly not a decision that you should make until you are fully ready to do so with a clear heart. You will know when this is and your spouse should be patient as you work this out.
Accepting That It May Take Some Time And Work Before The Marriage Is Rebuilt: There can be a difference between making the choice to remain married and expecting for things to resume to normal too quickly. The truth is, there may well be some difficult days. They may be days when you don't want to be married or you don't want to interact with him. This doesn't mean that you are destined to fail or that things will never be normal again. It just means that you have to accept and then ride out these difficult days, knowing that time and hard work will make tomorrow seem a little better and next week and then next month even better still.
Never accept anything less than fully working through this. If you need help (whetheras an individual oras part of a couple) then please make sure that you get it. Life is too short not to demand to be happy and fulfilled. Here's the truth that many people do not understand. Many marriages are not only saved but greatly improved in spite of (or even because of) the affair. Often this is the push that people need to take a long and hard look at what is really wrong (and also with what is really right.) You have a unique opportunity right now to rebuild from the ground up and to discard the bad and to rescue the good. Only embrace what you want to keep and throw out what you never much cared for.
Accept that you might take a few steps forward and then experience a set back. Often people will see this happening, become frustrated, and take this as a sign that things are too just too damaged to be repaired.This progression is very normal. You can get past it. You just have to make the commitment to hang in there and to keep trying. So long as you both share the commitment to do the work that needs to be done and to get the help that you need, you can get through this. Myself and so many others are living proof of this.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
