subject: How to Control Your Temper in 5 Steps [print this page] How many times did you lose your temper recently? How many times did something, seemingly unimportant, set your teeth on edge and made you lose yourself in an outburst of rage? Whether it happened only once or many times recently, take timeout now to look into the last one. Retrace your steps and do not start justifying yourself or finding excuses. Remember that your losses of temper are due to something that happens, and what you are after, at the moment, is to know the underlying reasons.
So - start asking these questions of yourself and be truthful in your answers. When did you lose your temper last? How? Why? Who was involved? What brought it about? Could it have been prevented in any way? Did it accomplish anything? Could the same conditions or circumstances bring on another outburst? Would you want it to happen again? Who gained by it? Who lost by it? What was the final cost in loss of contacts or friendship?
Loss of temper is an indication of weakness, of the ability to contain one's self. It is the childish tantrums of the adult intended to be used in the same way, either to gain concessions or to block interference with one's whims and desires.
Loss of temper is often a mask for the sense of inadequacy, for the feeling of inferiority. The shouts or screams, the anger and aroused indignation are used as a tool, a club or a crutch, to gain one's ends and have one's way. It becomes a temporary mental derangement and sweeps everything aside. It rides roughly over reason, honor, duty, loyalty, decency and common sense.
There are other losses, directly attributable to the loss of temper, which you might often overlook:
1.The emotional disturbance created, the uncontrollable urge to strike back, to retaliate no matter the cost, to hit, to hurt, shame or to destroy.
2. The ensuing sense of shame or guilt, of sorrow or regret, of self-accusation or self-condemnation after the surge of temper subsided when you have had time to examine the ruins you left behind.
3. The anger, the resentment or the animosity you built up in others when you let go your senses and did everything you could to defy, degrade, shame, insult, belittle and hurt them.
4. Finally, there is the break between you and those involved, a break which can hardly ever be mended, a break which means that you have burned your bridges behind you and can never come back.
Strangely enough, the loss of temper is a habit formed gradually. It starts innocently with a raised voice or with simulated anger to gain a point. The other person gives in readily and a pattern of behavior has its beginning. The intensity of the shouts and the anger is gradually, deliberately increased, as opposition is encountered and soon the loss of temper is firmly entrenched as a damaging habit and indisputable master.
If you are beset by that habit and wish to rid of it, begin to chop at it steadily, consistently, in these 5 steps:
1. Know what is at the root of your outburst and give it no chance to get started.
2. Put yourself on probation and dissipate as soon as you can every provocation of anger.
3. Ask friends or others to hoist the danger signal for you, when you fail to notice the tell-tale sign yourself.
4. Visualize loss of temper as a sign of weakness, as an indication of immaturity, as a mark of irresponsibility, as the humiliating spectacle of a fool.
5. Look for extenuating circumstances whenever you want to accuse, to condemn or to speak your mind freely.
One sure way to resist the urge to explode in the grip of temper is to clamp your lips tight, to set down and lean back in your seat, to anchor your hands in your pockets and your feet to the floor and let the wave of temper pass over you. Then no matter how strong the temptation, temper will not master you. Of course, the wish to assert yourself may be strong, but a display of bad temper is not desirable at any time.
