subject: What To Do If Your Spouse Has Cheated [print this page] Romantic relationships--marriages in particular--tend to go through the wringer, although our society often tends to pretend it's all roses and no thorns. Illness, distance, careers, problem children, and all kinds of other issues can take their toll.
But I can think of nothing so difficult to survive as one spouse cheating on the other. Can marriage survive after infidelity? That's a hard question to answer, and it certainly depends heavily on the couple in question.
So what should you do if you discover your spouse has cheated? There's no reaction that can be prescribed to everyone, but let me at least offer some counsel that may help.
First off, I heavily suggest restraining yourself from acting on the first impulse that comes to you after you find out. Most people are inclined to think that cheating qualifies for an automatic divorce, but that involves acting from a place of heartbreak and devastation. Many spouses that choose to stay with a cheating spouse are grateful that they stuck it out in the long run.
I'm not suggesting that this is the superior choice; instead, I am saying that you should not divorce because of an instinctive reaction. Whatever you decide to do in the long run should come from a decision that was carefully considered.
In some cases, it is wise to separate at least temporarily so that you can both think more clearly without fighting or granting superficial forgiveness when you have not had the chance to completely grieve (and it is a grieving process you will go through).
Avoid pulling friends and family members into the battle, as their disdain for your guilty spouse might unfairly influence your choice. Or, they might pressure you to remain in the marriage because of their personal moral philosophy. You should be able to confide in someone, but try to choose someone with a more objective view like a clergyman or counselor.
There is an old saying that goes, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I am disinclined to agree. I would amend the axiom to say, "Twice a cheater, always a cheater." If your spouse has cheated before, whether it's on another man/woman or on you before you were married, then they are demonstrating a pattern of behavior that may continue, but one time could truly be a mistake they'll regret forever.
If you ultimately decide to split, then make sure to contact an experienced divorce lawyer in your area. They will be able to guide you to the specific laws you have to deal with, along with helping you with custody battles if you have children.
Above all, try to take care of your needs during this time. You can't devote time to fixing your relationship or building a new life on your own if you have no strength left.
