subject: He Cheated On Me. How Can We Work Things Out? [print this page] I get a lot of correspondence from people who are asking for advice or tips on how to "work things out" after a spouse has cheated. Sometimes, the spouse who cheated is desperately trying to work things out. And sometimes, the faithful spouse is trying to repair or hold onto the marriage. No matter who it is that is asking the question, there's often a lot of doubt that the marriage or relationship can be saved. Many people consider cheating as something that will destroy their marriage, until it actually happens and they're faced with the reality of walking away from the marriage or breaking up their family. The lines can become somewhat blurry then with various shades of gray.
It's my experience and belief that it's most definitely possible to work things out after cheating. I'll discuss what it often takes in the following article.
Do Both People Need To Want To Work Things Out After Someone Cheated?: Many people tell me that they're not sure that they're going to be able to work things out because they aren't sure if their spouse is willing to work with them to do so. While it helps when both people are equally on board, it isn't required, at least at first. Because there are often so many conflicting and shifting feelings in the beginning that it can be hard to get a handle on what you're acting feeling or what you truly want. Sometimes the anger and confusion makes people feel or act in a way that isn't genuine.
Sometimes, you'll have to begin the process yourself while you're waiting for them to come around. There's no need to wait on someone else when you have some work and healing to do. And often, once they see the improvements that you have made, they'll be more willing to believe that positive things can happen or that you might have a positive outcome.
What Usually Needs To Happen In Order To Work Things Out In A Relationship Where One Person Cheated: Many couples try to move on by sheer will. What I mean by that is that they'll tell themselves that they're not willing to give up their marriage or their family and so they'll make a very deliberate decision that they're going to work things out.
However, they think that this decision and this resolve is enough. But sometimes, taking this route without further work leaves you very vulnerable to the doubts, resentments, lack of confidence, lack of trust, and unanswered questions that usually follow the cheating. So, even though you may be very determined to work things out, you might still or even always be struggling with the resulting consequences.
It's my opinion that you are better off doing the work that needs to be done, as difficult as that might feel. Because if you don't work through the issues that lead up to the cheating, it's unrealistic to think that they're totally gone or erased. And, if you're always worrying if they're really gone, then you will likely also always worry if your marriage is safe and whether your spouse will cheat again.
And, this whole process can lead to resentment, doubt, and insecurity, on the part of both the cheating spouse and the faithful spouse. Once you've worked through the issues that lead up the cheating, you'll often need to work through the issues that came out of the cheating. The trust will need to be restored. The intimacy will slowly need to be returned. Self esteem issues and resentment will need to be eventually erased.
None of this is immediate or even easy. It's often a gradual process that doesn't go in a linear line. You may make some progress and feel better only to then regress and feel worse. When this happens, it doesn't mean that you can't recover or that you can't work things out. It often just means that you have more work to do or that there's an issue that you haven't yet identified or resolved.
It may give you some reassurance to know that countless couples are able to work things out after one of them has cheated. It happens every day and some of the couples will even tell you that it's made their marriage stronger or better. Cheating doesn't need to be the end of your marriage if you don't want for it to be. You often have more control over this than you may think, even though the healing process may take a little bit of time and effort.
I know that working things out after cheating may seem difficult, but it's certainly possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
