subject: Abusive Relationship Help - Changing The Dynamics Of Abusive Relationships & Habits Of Victimization [print this page] "When I tell you 'no' and you whine, get angry...etc, then my job is to simply allow you the space to experience that which you feel."
If you live in an abusive relationship or have left one, this probably doesn't sound familiar. But you know in your heart that if it were this way, your relationships would be more satisfying.
Who Owns Whose Upset
In abusive relationships here's what more typically happens. The controlling partner expresses a desire for something, and the less empowered partner replies affirmatively or avoids offering up a response knowing it will not fulfill the other person's desires.
They know from the core of their being that there will be consequences if they do not "make their partner happy." And this ridiculous thinking trips them up in subsequent intimate relationships until they change the pattern.
Domestic abuse survivors are conditioned to believe that they are responsible for the other person's happiness. They believe that if they say "no," it will be followed with disappointment that leads to conflict and danger toward themselves.
The net result for them with this thinking and victimization habit is that they shoulder the responsibility for their partner's well-being. That's a tall order for anyone in any relationship.
Each Owns Their Own Upset
Let's imagine that one person makes a request of you, and you know your answer is not what they are seeking. But you are forthcoming with it, hoping they will respect your wishes. Instead, they don't. To the contrary, they let you know that they are miserable. And your reflex then is to make it better for them by yielding to their wishes.
In doing this, what have you done? You have taken responsibility for their experience...the creation of their upset and the remedy toward their well-being.
If, on the other hand, you step back and allow them their upset, without rushing in to regulate it, something else could happen. They may find within themselves a way to deal with what comes up for them. And you may hold your own and do what's right for you.
Boundaries and Responsibilities in Intimate Relationships
I do not mean to suggest that you should not compromise with your partner. To the contrary, compromise is good when the "give and take" comes from a sincere place. What I do mean is that you will not be genuinely happy if you compromise yourself.
Fully grasping boundaries and responsibilities in intimate relationships is central to healing from domestic abuse and treatment for domestic abuse. It is truly in the subtle that we manifest the most significant, whether we say "yes" or "no " to our partner.
