subject: Allow Marriage Relationships To Change Across Time [print this page] "He's not the man I married," Sheila lamented about her husband, Phil. When we married, he had lots of time for me, was fun-loving and carefree and had tons of things to talk about. Now he's quiet, preoccupied and so serious about everything. I married a man who said he couldn't get enough time with me, and now I've got a husband I'm not even sure about"
"Marcie changed after we got married," Tom stated. "She used to be driven about work, active with her friends and really athletic. Now she focuses most of her attention on the kids, doesn't seem as thrilled by work and spends a lot less time with her friends. She expects me to be that way, too, but I'm not always sure how to do that. In a lot of ways, she isn't the woman I married"
When people marry, they often think their spouse will remain the same, a constant across the years. While people marrying typically love their intended, they sometimes fail to look ahead and fathom the number of changes and challenges which they will each face in the future. They fail to realize they're marrying a dynamic human being, not an appliance which will always perform in the same way. When circumstances change and the spouse changes, the marriage naturally changes, too, and they're surprised, if not angered.
What to do?
First, look at your assumptions or your approach to marriage. If you thought marriage would be a lifelong courtship, you might need to think again. As times and situations change, so do people. You've got the same person you married, only he's responding to a different set of circumstances or needs in life.
Check your values. Do you both want the same things in life? Do you agree about what's most important? If you do, the changes will be easier to handle because you will basically be of like mind. If not, there will be a constant questioning of the relationship, wondering about its viability and struggling against change.
Have you ever stated marriage goals? Just as you would in any other partnership, think about where you both want to be together and how you will get there. If goals are stated, it's easier to remain clear and committed.
Realize that since marriage is a relationship, the challenge is to continue RELATING to each other despite changes or problems. That will keep the focus clear and the ability to weather storms strong.
How well do the two of you communicate? Particularly in times of stress and change, expressing yourselves clearly and often helps a relationship stay on course. If your communication skills need improvement, participate in workshop, read and practice, practice, practice.
Don't forget that you're changing, too. Just as your partner may seem to be "different" from the person you married, you're "different," too. If you're aware that each of you is changing, chances are better that you will grow and change together.
Allow Marriage Relationships To Change Across Time
