subject: I Cheated On My Spouse. Now What? [print this page] The other day, I received an email from a husband who admitted that he had cheated on his wife. She had recently found out about the infidelity and was devastated. He was sorry that he had hurt the person he loved most in the world and he was mortified at the thought that his actions might put his family in jeopardy. At this point, his wife was not listening to much of what he said and he wasn't sure how to move forward.
Specifically, he asked: "what do I do now.?I wish I hadn't cheated. I wish that I could take it back, but I can't. And yet, I've deteriorated the trust so much, that I don't know if she will ever believe in me again. Is there anything that I can do to begin to fix this mess?" I'll share with you what I told him in the following article.
Get Clear In Your Own Mind Where You Want To Go From Here: At no time in this gentleman's email did he say that he loved his wife and wanted to remain married. Sure, he was clear on the fact that he didn't want to lose his kids or his family, but his wife seemed to be almost an after thought. I told him that the first thing that he needed to do was to evaluate where his heart and commitment really was. Because, if his heart and commitment was not really and fully with his wife, then he was going to need to do some more work before he tried to lure her back into the marriage.
It is certainly not fair to the wife to be asked to return to a marriage that the husband is not sure about himself. If this is the case, she's eventually going to be able to tell and feel the difference. So, if he could not say that he was 100% sure that he wanted to be with her and do whatever needed to be done to make this so, then he should wait to begin this process until he could make this declaration. Otherwise, he was just setting both of them up for failure and more pain or disappointment.
Can You Pinpoint Why You Cheated And Can You Change Your Behavior?: One of the most important aspects of saving your marriage is understanding exactly why you cheated. You need to be very clear on what you were trying to get outside of your marriage and why. Once you have this knowledge about yourself, then you have to be willing to change both your behavior and your surroundings, if need be. You have to take full responsibility for these shortcomings even if they are understandable. If you are not sure if you can or are willing to change your behavior and your surroundings, then again, you are doing a disservice to your spouse. Don't waste her time or ask this much ofher if you can not make it worth her while to trust you again.
Are You Willing To Be Completely Trustworthy?: One huge obstacle that you have to overcome is going to be restoring the trust. This takes time, but it can't happen unless you are going to be consistently telling the truth and not trying to hide even small things. Even little white lies can now deteriorate your relationship. Your spouse is going to be watching you with an eagle eye. In order for them to feel comfortable entrusting you again, you're going to need to do exactly what you say and to mean what you are saying.Your sincerity and trustworthiness must be evident and something that your spouse can believe in.
Now, understand that they are going to be reluctant at first. It may feel like this process takes way too long sometimes. But, try to put yourself in their shoes. This betrayal is completely devastating. They are naturally going to keep their guard up because they do not want to feel this pain again. Over time, as you demonstrate that trusting you will not cause them pain, then they will likely come around.
Are You Willing To Do The Work Needed To Create A Fresh Start?: Couples who are able to survive affairs are often able to redefine the marriage. They are able to create something that only has the positive aspects of the previous marriage that they wanted to keep. But, they are able to create something that is new and fulfilling enough to keep them from wanting to live in the past. Often, this victory is hard fought. There is no doubt some dark days in between but both people are willing to do this because they are committed to this marriage and they suspect that the outcome will make this worth it.
This type of work often requires vulnerability, difficult discussions, and cutting old ties from the other person,your old life, and all the negativity that surrounded it. So, if you are not at a place where you are able to do this, then you should do the work needed to get there before you ask your spouse to walk beside you. Make sure that you're at a place where you can reward them for their loyalty with a better, more fulfilling marriage that is going to make your spouse as happy and secure as they need to be.
Restoring my marriage after my husband's affair took work, but it was so worth it. I now understand myself, my husband, our marriage, and our intimacy on a much deeper level and I no longer worry that he will cheat again. But this was not always easy and there were a lot of things I needed from him. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
