subject: My New Beginning [print this page] On the 10 August I became a wife for the second time.... This time I feel more appreciative and thankful for all the small things I receive in kindness and love from my partner... the way its supposed to be ...
I grew up in a very staunch Muslim home, did everything which was expected of me ... Respected my elders, never back chatted, made my salaahs on time, wore my hijab, attended Moslem school and just did everything that was expected of me being a Muslim girl ... Never to have a finger pointed at me an making my parents very proud...
Never knew what it was like attending parties, sleeping out or over at friends homes, not even going out with friends to a mall like a teenager does these days ... I was kept indoors and only went out with my parents.
When I became of age and interested in boys, I wasn't even allowed to have a bf like the norm these days ...
Finally I reached the age of 21 and I met my ex husband, who was sent to my home via my cousin to meet me ... In three weeks he asked my parents to marry me. I not having any freedom decided marriage would be my way out of my "prison" and that I would learn to love him, like I heard in so many movies.
I had the perfect wedding, expensive, elaborate because of course I was a virgin bride, a daughter that never brought any trouble to my parent's door and they were so proud of me.
He was a good man but no matter what he did I could never love him the way I was supposed to ... year in and year out for 7 years I stayed thinking maybe today will be the day I would open my heart the way it should be, but I could never .... Even though he loved me so much I just could never return it. I stayed for a few more years not wanting to disappoint my parents who have been married for 40 years, that stuck by each other through everything god times, bad times and even worse times.... only death separated them ... I was outwardly always happy, everyone thought we had the perfect marriage, we were the couple to look up to, but deep down i was depressed and miserable.... how was I to tell this man I'm married to and sharing a life with I don't love him? I couldn't and thought Il wait a another year, maybe then Il love him ... but that year came and went and still I felt nothing and one day I just had enough and decided today is the day ... I was tired of feeling depressed and lonely and miserable and feeling obligated to stay in this unhappiness for the sake of not having people talk about me ... Just then I realized that no matter what you do no matter how good of a person you are, people will always fitna and that I had to do what makes me happy as well as I have that rite as well.
I finally had the courage to tell him, but being the man I felt so sorry for, for all these years I thought it would break him ... Instead he got into the car drove to his parents and came home a few hours later asking me "My parents want to know, on who's name is this house" ... I felt everything shift ... Here is this man I tried to protect his feelings not to hurt him, to do what is rite to try and love, the man I thought loved me soooo much .... And he asked me about a house ... Not what is the problem? Can we work it out? But on whose name is a house? I never hated someone at that moment so much in my life.... I thought to myself, I wasted 7 years of my life for this? Was this the family that smiled and laughed with me that I had to call mom and dad?
Anyway, he moved out the next night and my only wish was that I never see him or his family ever again ... I asked Allah that and I never did....
The night he moved out and ever since it felt like I have never been married, like that seven years was a blur....
Two years went by and then I met Duncan, a person that attended the same school I did, lived 5 minutes away, but also someone I never took notice of. With him I learnt new things about myself, time went by and we were together a year. I knew Id get married again but I was afraid of repeating the same pattern and also I was afraid of the dreaded "In-laws" ... I knew I loved him and I wanted to be with him but I just could not get married so soon again not knowing anything of him or the people I was gona have as my new family....
And he asked me to move in with him....
Me coming from a Strict Muslim home, moving in with a Christian guy with his mum living in the same house as well, how can I, How was I gona tell my mom this?, what was people gona say?
I decided to tell my mother I'm moving out at the end of the month, as you can imagine it didn't go very well, she didn't speak to me for two weeks expect for the horrible sms'es I would receive from her, the phone calls I would get at work from aunts and cousins on what a disappointment I am to her and how wrong it is for me to move in with a man I'm not married to and him being Christian also but that his mother lived there as well, how could she allow this? ... It was like a death took place.
A week before I moved I wrote her a letter it said :
To Mummy
I know mummy feels upset with me now, but this is what I have to do.
And I also know from a religious point of view its wrong, but its going to be wrong till I make it right eventually, but for me to grow as my own person and to be seen as an adult I have to move out.
I also know that Duncan is the man I want to be with, he is not only my boyfriend but his my friend even more. I always wanted that, but I want to make sure first before I make the decision to marry him. I don't want to rush into getting married first again and I also don't want to get married to get out of the house again.
I'm not going to desert you; I will help you if you need anything.
I must know what it is to be my own person and make my own choices and if I'm making a mistake, it has to be my mistake to make, I have to learn those things on my own and mummy cant always protect me from that, I'm getting older not younger and I cant be 30 or 40 years old and still be scared of what my mother thinks every time I want to do something. Maybe it doesn't work out with me living there, who knows? But it's the push I need to stand on my own two feet.
If I caused you any disrespect I ask you maaf, from the bottom of my heart. Also I will be moving out this weekend Insha-Allah, so I ask mummy again accept my decision, you don't have to like it and you don't have to agree with it bit its something I have to do. So I ask mummy respect it. I will love you no matter what.
Your only daughter, Rukea
Of course, this didn't change anything ... she still ignored me ... The Friday came, the day I was moving out... I was nervous to come home from work and pack it was like I wished there could be more hours in the day as to drag the time for me to get home ...
I got home eventually and waiting for me was my mother in my room... Stacked on my bed was 5 sets of bedding, 5 sets of towels she had taken from her own and things to give to me ... She helped me pack with tears in here eyes and when I was about to leave. She took my hands and said "What I'm doing is wrong and she has that rite to tell me that as my mother. That she will always try to protect me no matter how old I get. That I should not forget where I was raised and what I was brought up as. That all she wants for me is to be happy and that she loved me....
I moved in....
Moving in was everything I thought it was gona be and exceeded my expectations ... I was with the man that was not only my bf but even more my friend and also he had no religious expectations of me because he had no interest in anything to do with religion
but above all
I was free! From everything that held me back from being "me"...I was finally my own person, I felt like an adult for the first time in my life, in charge and in control of my own destiny
I was free! From the rules of my religion that controlled every part of my life, because before I did anything my first thought would be "Its Garaam, Its not permissible, What is people gona say"
Everything always came back to "WHAT WAS PEOPLE GONA SAY"
With Duncan I learned the meaning of living and to hell with what people thought, just to do what made me happy and I never felt so free and liberated and happy in my life It was like I was freed from a cage and was trying to catch up on everything I missed out on To party, go away with friends even drinking
It was the best time of my life I thought But even though it was exciting and so much fun Don't get me wrong the parties and drinking was never out of hand, everything we did was in moderation but yet the guilt at the back of my mind never went away
Id visit my mom or my aunts and feel so guilty, here I'm standing in front of you and I'm doing all this gharaam, drinking and zina , yet they still laughed and joked with me I would here my mothers embarrassment when people would ask "Where are you living" and she would lie and say anything and then quickly change the subject not to be asked anymore questions I would feel bad for her because I know this is not what she wanted for me but yet at the same time, I was happy, extremely happy Not for the parties, drinking or zina but because I was with the man I loved so much, sometimes I thought too much and that no one could love anyone this much, also here was his mother a women that made me feel like a daughter from the day I moved in, when I came from a 7 year marriage and the women that was supposed to be this way treated me like a stranger no matter how much I tried to fit in, I was thankful and in my own way I believed that I was meant to be here, then there was his dad who made me feel like I never lost my father, for he treated me like his own as well and I wasn't willing to give it up no matter what
A year passed and in that year we went through a lot of ups and downs but our love remained strong enough to withstand it all
Then Duncan's Imanat came:
One day my Aunt had a Gadat at her place and I asked Duncan to come along to see what its like When all the men gathered in the room, the Imam gave him the Quraan not knowing that his Christian and Duncan sat bewildered, one of my cousins explained his situation and the gadat continued When it was over Duncan came out of the room with tears in his eyes and said that he just had some kind of vision (like and out of body experience) I was shocked because it's the first time I came across something like this) here was this strong man, always fighting against religion totally emotional and I didn't know what to do or say We drove home quietly and when we got home he started to cry again, I left him to cry then he said " I will become Muslim" I never answered Just held him
The next time he was on his way to work and old Muslim man came to him out of a crowd of people, he said " I walked pass all this people but you've got such and open face" They had a conversation and then he told this man that he too will be Muslim one day and this man spoke to him even more about the deen Duncan came home the evening and said that its like this man was sent to him That evening we drove to the cinema we spoke about how things are all falling into place and that we have to make things rite. Like always when we would discuss this I thought it'll be in the near future as I didn't wana rush or force him into anything but that night he took my hand as we were driving and all he said was " I think its time, I'm not doing it for people or for you but for myself"
Honestly I was shocked, I wanted to scream Alghamdullilah but as not to make too much of it I just smiled and asked "when do you want to do this?" And he said we can arrange before the fast.
Everything was arranged in the next two days and the third day he embraced Islam and we got married. I've never seen someone's Nur so bright in my life and everyone commented on it. I felt so proud.
Since then it been 17 days since Duncan Leon Adams became Dayyan Adams and he has taking Islam with so much eagerness to learn that it gave me back my own Love for my Deen that I lost a long time agoI felt proud to be a Muslim again Something I haven't felt in years
To my conclusion In a sense he brought me back to where I'm supposed to be, a man that was against anything religious that is so Allah conscious now, sometimes I look at him in awe, filled with so much pride and love that its so indescribable it makes we want to cry
He was my gift and I was his
Through my journey, Allah (SUB) has never given up on me even though I have pushed him aside, and through that I discovered a love even stronger than my love for a mere man
Today I strongly believe that Allah (SUB) has a plan or all of us and no matter were life takes us it's never to late to change your mind set and change your lifestyle.
My story is not to influence anyone to follow my example what I did was wrong and I know that but more importantly I can acknowledge it
Even though I have been rebellious at a late stage in my life, I was older, yes in my late 20's I still never lost my respect for my elder's, family or friends, no matter what they have said to me in anger or disappointment. I can still lift my head high and look each and everyone in their eyes because even though my actions were unacceptable my respect remained.
I'm not a role model, just a woman, a daughter, a wife and a neighbor like anyone else that passes you by
