subject: Deciding Whether To Stay Or Go After An Affair [print this page] I get so many emails from folks who can not decide if they should stay or go after they have been cheated on. On the one hand, they are so angry and hurt and have a hard time believing that they would ever feel any other way. On the other hand, they have often built a life with this person and perhaps have a family. There are often quite a few people involved. Turning your back over the life that you've worked so hard to create can be a huge challenge and, is this even in your best interest anyway? This article will examine the considerations in deciding to stay and will offer some advice on sorting the whole thing out.
Don't Push Yourself Into Making A Rash Decision: I know that you might be at a boiling point right now and it may feel like you're going to get some relief if you just make a decision and stick with it. Dealing with the pendulum of swinging feelings can be very difficult. You probably want a resolution either way. But sometimes, these boiling over emotions can push us into making a split second decision that you might regret later when you are not so filled with emotion.
There is nothing wrong with just demanding some time to gather your bearings and to collect your thoughts. You deserve this time and space and should do whatever you need to do to get it. There's nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you need time to process this and that you will let them know when you've come to a decision or would like more information or input.
Considering The Totality Of The Situation: One very valid reason for talking this time is that often you will need for some of the anger and shock to wear off until you can evaluate everything with a clear head. And, making a healthy decision that is going to affect you and your family for the rest of your life often requires for you to step back and to look at the whole picture. Because there has likely been so much more to this marriage than just this one act. Sometimes, this is the only major destructive and cruel thing that he has done and other times, this is just one more thing in a long string of painful issues. Only you know where you fall on this scale.
Some people will take everything into account and decide that, in reality, things were pretty darn good before this one detour in the road and that they don't want to throw away all of the good for one incident of the bad. They will decide that, because of his years and years of loving behavior, their husband deserves a chance to make this right. Others will decide that this is a deal breaker and that it is better for their emotional health and happiness to walk away. There is no right or wrong answer here. Countless couples not only recover from an affair, they grow stronger and more committed, and others are never able to pick up the pieces. This is often directly related to how badly they want to move forward.
It's No One's Decision But Yours: You were the one who was betrayed. Not your parents. Not your friends. Not your spouse. So, this decision is yours alone no matter what everyone else thinks. No one else has experienced what you have with this person. No one but you truly knows what or how you feel. No one but you is going to have to live in your reality with the consequences.
So many people tell me that they know that staying will "look weak" or that people will judge them. On the flip side, the worry about disappointing their pastor, counselor, or extended family if they walk away. You simply can not live for others. You get one change at this life and you have to live your truth and what makes you happy. Only you can decide what that is for you as an individual, but make no apologies for doing for what is right for you as you are the one who is going to have to live with, and hopefully, thrive in it.
I know that making this decision is so difficult, but the passage of time can change things. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
