subject: Why Women Stay After Their Husband Cheats Or Has An Affair [print this page] It's amazing how your opinion about what you would do after an affair changes when an affair happens to you. It's easy to say what you would do if you are not standing smack in the middle of that situation. When this is a personal experience and you're very close to it, then it is hard to have the same conviction that you had previously, when you were only speculating.
I used to see women who remained in their marriage after their husband had an affair as someone who was "settling" or turning a blind eye. Now I know that it takes a huge amount of personal conviction and strength to decide to stick it out rather than to run away. Of course, the situation is always individual. I truly believe if my husband had cheated more than once, the outcome might well have been different, but I'll give you some insight into why I chose to stay in the marriage in the following article.
Deciding To Stay In The Marriage Is Not A Decision That ICame To Lightly. I Changed My Mind Several Times: When I first found out about my husband's cheating, I would not even interact with him. I was completely done with him. I could not see anything beyond my own anger and betrayal. It went on like this for a very long time. He could not do anything right. Even his heartfelt apologies annoyed me and made me even angrier. I told him to just leave me alone, but when he did I became annoyed that he gave up so easily. It was a vicious cycle that went on for a long time.
One day, a few months later, I said something mean and cutting to him as I had did countless times before and he just didn't respond. I looked over and his shoulders slumped and his eyes cast downward and I suddenly realized in that moment that he was hurting too and that I was not the only victim. I also realized that we had gone on like this for months and yet he had stuck it out and had endured everything that Ihad thrown at him. If he didn't really really want to be here, then the sensible thing would have been to cut his losses. But, he didn't.
It was that day that I decided that I might actually listen to what he was saying with an open mind rather than with venom and anger. Sure, I might still decide to bail, but at least was going to be less spiteful because all that was doing was hurting both of us. That's not to say that I was on an upward trend from that day on. It didn't work that way. I would take a step forward then about six back. We would have decent days and then I would wake up the next morning angry again and he would not understand what he had done wrong. The truth was, my anger ebbed and flowedbut it never went away entirely until I really addressed it.
It came down to just making a decision that I was going to hang in there even on days that I didn't necessarilywant to. There was too much history and too much at stake and I wasn't about to let my children be hurt because one woman decided to turn on another.
Rebuilding My Marriage And Myself After His Affair: I eventually came to realize that the best way for me to get over this was to ensure that we were so happy in our "new" marriage that I did notneed to constantly worry and make comparisons. I needed for this to happen so that I wouldn't always worry if he really wanted to be there or to worry if he would cheat again.
This meant evaluating what wasn't working and demanding that it be properly fixed. It meant identifying vulnerable areas that needed to be shored up. It meant spending time strengthening us rather than ripping us apart. It meant slowly restoring the trust and intimacy. (I can not stress enough that you should go with your own pace here. Don't rush it because if you do, it might feel awkward, which can be discouraging.)
The best thing that I ever did was to work on myself as an individual. My self esteem had taken such a beating that I really had to address this. I was living in doubt, fear, and worry. I did not want to be a prisoner this way. I addressed things that always made me somewhat insecure my weight, my teeth, my somewhat conservative dress and nature. And I made changes as they felt right to me. This did not happen over night but slowly as I began to work on my confidence my marriage greatly improved. I wasn't always worrying that I wasn't good enough. I knew that I was. And if he didn't' see this, it was his problem. This in turn, was very attractive to him and the cycle of positive things continued on in this way.
I'm somewhat proud of the way that we turned a negative into a positive. But, this in an individual choice. Staying put and working it out is not going to be the answer for every one, but it was the right answer for me.
I know that recovering from his affair is extremely challenging, but the effort can be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Why Women Stay After Their Husband Cheats Or Has An Affair
