subject: Improve Relationships, Increase Your Happiness and Success With Communication Skills [print this page] We all learn how to speak, but how often do you truly say what is on your mind in a positive manner taking personal responsibility? Much is written about how communicate effectively, but the first thing you really have to learn is that communication is for a purpose. Of course we speak to give or get information, and we also speak to communicate your needs. So often people are in fear of saying what is really on their minds, and end up telling white lies, or asking questions rather than making statements or requests from others. When that happens, your words and body language don't match up. Your words and non-verbal message are out of alignment.
You may be nervous, angry or happy. Someone asks you, "what's the matter?" And you even though you know something is bothering you, you may answer, "nothing". Does the hearer believe you? Probably not.
It's been estimated 93% of our message is conveyed by non-verbal cues: tone of your voice, body posture and facial expression. Our words account for only 7%! Is your body saying the same thing that your words are trying to express? It's a lot hider to hide the non-verbal message your body is sending out.
If you are upset or bothered about something, it's best to understand why. Only when we understand what need we have that is not being met, can we strive to attain what we want to achieve, and feel peaceful and happy!
Taking personal responsibility for meeting our own needs is important. It's not up to someone else to "make you" happy. It's up to you! When you talk to others about something you want changed, it is so important not to blame others. Speaking your truths authentically can be done with assertiveness, but not aggressive responses. Compassionate Communication is another way to speak your truths.
We communicate to share our feelings, needs and thoughts with others, and to listen other's feelings, thoughts and needs. When you speak authentically to others, you have the opportunity to develop real relationships based upon truly knowing another person. When you withhold information: your thoughts, needs and feelings from another person, you are not giving yourself the chance to develop a deep relationship.
When you are not honest in expressing your personal needs or wants, it can come back to "haunt you". When my partner makes dinner, I can be really happy that he put effort and delight into making a meal to please me. But if he asks me how I like it, and I say I do even though he put a lot of a particular spice that doesn't agree with me, I've opened myself to a problem! Next time, he'll make the same meal for me.
So, how do you convey your message when he asks you if you like it? Number 1, be sincere and honest! Your body language is going to give away what you really mean anyway!
"I so appreciate this wonderful meal, and feel so special with all the effort you put into it. The only thing I would change is to use less hot pepper sauce because it's too hot for my taste".
When you are honest in your appreciation, and honest with your review, you are more likely to get closer to what you would like the next time. And that goes with your mom's choice of sweaters/ties, etc.. as well.
If the person you are speaking to gets upset with your answer, you can follow up with:
"I'm truly sorry if you are upset with my answer, because I know you were doing this to please me, and I do appreciate your efforts". Do use the opportunity to deepen your communication, and ask them what is bothering them. That's the way to make your relationship better, based upon each other's truths instead of assumptions. After all, wouldn't you prefer to give a gift that is really appreciated, instead of having a person pretend that they liked it?
You will be amazed at how liberating and clear you feel when you speak authentically from your heart. There's no blame, no excuses necessary. There's simple acceptance and honesty between two human beings who sincerely want to know each other, and if possible please each other. However, it doesn't mean that you will always get what you want, or that you must always give others what they want. It just means that you feel enough confidence and self-esteem to be honest about yourself and your needs. When you feel emotionally honest, you will also feel "lighter" in your body. A "weight" lifts off your shoulders, a tightness based upon holding back eases. If you have withheld your truths, and now speak them, you may even find that chronic pains are eased and alleviated as well!
When you have a relationship based upon sincere, honest, authentic communication, it is a safe haven in a turbulent sea where others speak and don't listen, talk but only tell partial truths. It is a true blessing to commune with others instead of feeling unfulfilled in your relationships with friends, family and co-workers. Ease with communication improves all of your relationships. Speaking from your heart can even improve your health and extend your life, because happier people who have close relationships actually live longer!
It is up to you to set the standard, and encourage others to speak honestly by being a model by speaking your words from your heart.
Improve Relationships, Increase Your Happiness and Success With Communication Skills
