subject: Our Relationship With Our Sweetheart [print this page] The intimacy of marriage is much more than physical. It includes revealing everything about ourselves to one another. Confiding our deepest beliefs, thoughts, and feelings-those we may never reveal to another person-things perhaps only God and we may know. Consequently, being true to each other is an absolute requirement. No matter what happens, we must be there for one another. When one has need, the other rushes to fill it. We are each other's champion.
We begin by establishing our loveship with the greatest power that can bind us- one that is fiercely dedicated to giving. We are quick to see the good, to bless, lift, forgive, and encourage. We not only willingly sacrifice our own convenience, wants, and needs, but actually look for opportunities allowing us to demonstrate the depth of our love for and commitment to each other.
Though we may not realize the Divine principle upon which our love is flourishing, it is because we so whole-heartedly give that we immediately begin and continue to mine deep reservoirs of trust, gratitude, and peace within and between us.
We become so filled with the love that comes from giving with this one other person that all else negative in our lives has little ability to move us into negative exchanges- even with those outside our relationship. We are so consumed with the joy and fulfillment that comes from caring this completely for someone else, and them caring in like manner for us, we scarce have capacity to be oppositional at all.
This intensity of love overcomes almost every challenging condition and circumstance put before us. This is how we begin. It is an exhilarating experience most of us have at least once in our lives. When we weigh it in our minds, it is a great witness of the consuming blessings naturally flowing from giving.
As we only have power to affect the 'today' of our lives, the great question is, has this intensity of love continued and perhaps even advanced since it commenced, or has it waned? Nothing strikes fear to the soul, and brings greater sorrow and desperation than losing the most delicious experience we have ever known, from the most joyous relationship we have ever had. Though one may be more at fault than the other, just as it took both our very focused participations to begin our love, typically, so do we each participate in its diminution.
Though we each thought our lives would follow very different paths and timing, my wife and I found ourselves deeply in love the summer before our first year of college. We married within two years, when we simply could no longer bear not sharing every privilege that comes with this singular commitment. Now, many years have passed. Our relationship has expanded to include six children and their spouses, and all are our friends. Further, we cherish our many grandchildren that are substantially the object of our lives; and we adore one another more today then ever before.
Though our relationship is woven tight with loyalty, trust, caring, and affection, from time-to-time pride and selfishness have chipped away at its bedrock.
When our first three children were all under the age of five, and two of them were still in cloth diapers (this was before the life-easing blessing of disposables), my wife was pregnant our fourth child. She was much busier caring for our demanding family at home than I comprehended at the time. I was working two jobs to barely meet our growing obligations and we were both wearing thin from our rugged schedules. We each desperately needed more attention to be shown us.
I have often reflected on an experience during that season that changed our relationship forever. I had arrived home from my second job about midnight, in the middle of the week, worn out and dreading having to go to bed to get less sleep than I needed, only to rise again the next morning and start my relentless schedule all over again.
I had recently been asking the Lord to help my wife to begin easing my burdens in a few very simple ways that I had spoken with her about, and which I had allowed to increasingly bother me. The only one of these I now recall was the occasional drop of toothpaste she would leave in our bathroom sink. I almost always cleaned mine. Why was she not as respectful toward me? On top of everything else I was doing for our family, why should I have to clean up her toothpaste from our shared sink?
That late evening my personal challenges felt especially heavy. I knelt down by our Kitchen table and plead with our Divine Father that He would please help my wife feel my needs and come to my rescue. In my mind came the clear impression of the tender experience of the Savior washing the feet of His Apostles. I was deeply comforted and in my self-focused condition acknowledged that yes, this was exactly the kind of attention I needed.
In response, I felt the Spirit gently, but clearly chide me, and I knew I had misinterpreted the Lord's impression. I pondered for an alternate meaning and could not come up with one. In desperation, I sarcastically inquired of the Lord if this impression was to suggest that I should wash my wife's feet. A deep reassuring confirmation enveloped me. I knew this was indeed what was intended.
I was initially offended at the thought. I was asking for tenderness and kindness to be shown me, for my suffering to be relieved, my load lessened. I wanted this preferably to be conducted by my wife, who meant more to me than anyone else.
I remember weighing in my mind thoughts that now sting my conscience, "I'm the one that has to go out in the world and work all day and then much of the night, while my wife gets to stay home and play with our children all day." Play indeed. My sweetheart had no occasional relief, no family living nearby, and at that time not even a car to allow them an occasionally escape from our home.
My wife was deep asleep, but I decided to do as the Lord had invited me, in as unobtrusive a manner as possible. I selected a basin, and as I waited for the water to warm, I distinctly remember my feelings begin to gentle within me.
I knelt at the foot of our bed, carefully pulled out the bedding and uncovered her feet. She was so tired, she barely stirred when I lifted her feet and placed a towel under them. I soaked the washcloth in the warm water, rubbed soap into it, lifted her right foot and gently caressed it with the hot sudsy cloth. My wife sighed in a way that, though she did not wake, I knew this was pleasant for her. As I washed her other foot, I began to be blessed with a bright sense of the exhaustive journey her petite size 6 feet took every day and the intense, unrelenting work being a faithful wife and mother demanded. By the time I had rinsed them both, I was swept away almost to tears with affection for the deeply sacrificial service she constantly lavished upon our children and me. I finished by lotioning her feet and as I tucked the covers back in the bed, I was amazed that my sweetheart was so utterly exhausted she hadn't woken during the entire process.
As I cleaned the basin and put things away I was overcome with a renewed, deeper love and respect for my darling wife. I knelt again, this time by our bed before entering it for the night and from my soul's depth thanked our loving Father for giving me this particular daughter of His and for blessing us with our children. I thanked Him for His marvelous counsel to do this simple thing, and for the mighty change that then filled me. I realized my need to be cared for had been swallowed up in giving to my wife. I expressed my deep gratitude for her, asked the Lord to bless her with ample strength to accomplish her constant, unrelenting stewardships, and asked forgiveness for my, then clearly seen, selfishness.
In the quiet of our humble home that evening, I learned that giving sometimes has a more powerful affect on the giver than on the receiver. If we give with a right heart, we hope it is received without the obligatory feeling to give back to us. After all, experiencing the joy of giving is blessing enough, as we feel the Divine attributes expanding within us that the Master spoke of as He commenced His teachings on the mount. Gentleness, meekness, peacefulness, compassion, and mercy naturally flow into us.
Especially when our relationship is strained, it is good for us to remember that giving was the source providing such an extraordinarily powerful foundation for our love. Renewal comes through exercising this simple and powerful action. Our thoughts about, expressions, words and notes to, a gentle touch, arms around and especially private expressions no one else knows but us, are all gifts that can renew the most delicious experiences and joyful relationship of our life.
