subject: How To Save Your Marriage After An Affair When You're The One Who Cheated [print this page] The other day, I received an email from a man who had recently had an affair. He insisted the affair was completely over, was a huge mistake, and that he was more sorry than words could express. He was very embarrassed and ashamed of his behavior, but knew that he could not take any of it back, even though he very much wished that he could. He wanted to know my advice on "how to save my marriage after this mistake of an affair." He told me that his wife was furious, devastated, and resistant to believe anything that he was saying.
I told him that his wife's reaction was typical and deserving. I advised him to give her time and support as she processed this. And, I gave him several tips to use as he was navigating his way in the aftermath of the affair. I'll share these in the following article.
Make Sure That You Are Telling The Complete Truth, Even To Yourself: It's natural to want to make all kinds of claims when the affair comes out: "I never stopped loving you," "I'll make this up to you," "I never blamed you," etc. Make absolutely sure that every claim that you make is 100% true. It's not worth saying if it's not completely accurate. Your biggest obstacle is going to be rebuilding the trust. It's only normal and part of self preservation for your spouse to doubt you when you've betrayed them in this way.
So everything that comes out of your mouth should be statements that they will find to be true. These are the building blocks that are going to rebuild the trust. Even little white lies or omissions can set you way back. And often, people who have fallen into the trap of being unfaithful get into a habit of telling part truths or out and out untruths. You must retrain yourself to be completely truthful, even on little and seemingly unimportant issues. Your spouse is watching closely and any little slip is going to make them question you.
Make Sure The Other Person Is Completely Out Of Your Life: Speaking of telling the total truth, make sure that the other person is completely out of your life, off your mind, and no longer in your heart. If you can't truthfully make this claim, then don't waste your spouse's time. It's not fair to ask them to trust in you and to give you another chance when you can't even really start with clean slate because there are three people in this marriage (rather than the two who should be there.)
Do whatever you have to do to make sure that neither of you have to have any contact with this person. I know that affairs often happen at work or with people that you know very well and that this can make matters complicated, but that's the reality of the situation. You can not expect either of you to really heal if you find yourselves face to face with this person on a regular basis.
Prove Yourself Trustworthy And Give Them The Tools To Confirm What You Say: Hopefully, I've made it very clear that you need to be where you said you were and with who you claimed to be with. Limit any over night trips or extended periods away. In the beginning, give your spouse a way to check up on you. Hand over your passwords, cell phone, and computer. Offer to put a GPS on your car.
Sometimes people will resent this kind of "checking in." One guy told me he felt like he was a child who was being punished and that this felt like being in jail. Maybe this was correct. But, he needed to understand that once he proved himself trustworthy, his wife likely eventually wouldn't need these reassurances anymore. And he needed to know that he was asking his wife to take a huge leap of faith. She needed help with this and he needed to be the one who provided it. It's important that you show your spouse that you're not trying to hide anything, and that you don't mind being an open book because you have no intention of needing to be secretive.
Give Your Spouse What They Need To Begin To Recover And Heal: What your spouse wants and needs from you is going to be very individual. Some will want to be left alone for a while and some will want reassurance and contact. Create an environment where your spouse feels comfortable being open and honest. Encourage them to ask for what they need. Support them as they try to rebuild their self esteem and self worth.
If they'd like to go to counseling, find someone that both of you would like and go. Do whatever it takes to support them as they struggle with this. Don't make excuses or blame them. Take full responsibility for both your actions and for fixing them. Become the kind of spouse that you yourself would want. Listen without defending. Be there without expectation. Understand that you've dealt them a huge blow and vow to walk with them as they recover.
This may not be a whole lot of fun at first. You will likely have some very difficult days. But, if you are loving and trustworthy and can rebuild your marriage, you should know that what kind of marriage you have in the future is really up to you. This is the perfect opportunity to define what wasn't working and to build something that is even stronger, and better, in it's place.
I know that things may seem impossible right now, but hang in there. Your patience can be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.
How To Save Your Marriage After An Affair When You're The One Who Cheated
