subject: How To Make Your Marriage Better After An Affair [print this page] There's no question that the period of time after an affair can be quite painful and awkward for both parties. Once everything is out in the open and the reality of the situation sets in, things can look pretty bleak. There's a lot of shock, anger, resentment, and confusion present and many couples just aren't sure if their marriage is going to be able to survive this.
I'd never argue that this isn't a difficult time. I know first hand that it is and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But, there are some things that you can do to help you get through it. Marriages survive affairs every day and even if you decide that you don't want to fix or rebuild yours, you can emerge from this in an emotionally healthy way eventually. You just have to avoid and address some of the common pitfalls so that you can over come them. I'll explain this more in the following article.
Don't Shut Down Or Stop Talking After The Affair: The silent or chilly treatment is quite common during this time period. Typically both parties will avoid putting their cards on the table because it's just painful and awkward and many folks are pretty clear on the fact that they just don't want to "go there."
I do understand this and admittedly, both parties will need some solo time to process the situation and sometimes continuing to dwell on the same things isn't healthy either because you just continue to get angry and you don't make any real progress because you are just recycling the negative feelings.
However, the silence can lead to assumptions and in this case, folks will often tend to assume the worst. People begin to assume that the silence means all sorts of things like that the cheating spouse is sorry to see the affair end and would rather be with the other person than with his or her spouse.
The cheating spouse can misunderstand the silence to mean that the cheated on spouse will never, ever forgive him or her or agree to giving the marriage another chance. Both parties can take it to mean that the other just doesn't care. I understand the need for space, but it's important to try to continue communicating. It's perfectly OK to tell your spouse that you just need some time alone to process things and that you'll let them know when you want to talk.
It can be helpful for the spouse who cheated to make it very clear that they are willing and able to give the other spouse whatever he or she needs when they indicate that they are ready to receive it. In this way, both parties have made clear their willingness to come to the table together when the time is right. This way, the silence isn't misinterpreted so that both parties are free to guess what the other is thinking, when so often this guess is wrong and is interpreted in the worst way possible.
When You Are Ready, Look For Ways To Turn The Negatives Into Positives, To Restore The Trust, And To Regain Your Footing: There will come a time when you have the perfect opportunity to recreate your marriage if you want to. If both parties agree, then both can come to the table with the expectation that they are sort of starting all over again. Yes, the affair is what you brought you here and that's a bad thing. There is no doubt about that.
But, what's done is done. You can not change the past. But, you do have control over what happens in the present and in the future. You can use this as an opportunity to start honestly and openly communicating so that you're both very clear on what went wrong and on what has to change to fix this.
In truth, your marriage right now is a blank canvas. You can paint a new picture that is going to be pleasing to both of you or you can dwell on the past, focus on the negative, and let those thoughts and perceptions cloud the picture that remains. I don't mean to oversimplify things. I know from experience that this is very difficult, but there is nothing that you can do to change the cards that you have been dealt. Your real choice is rather you want to play them to the best of your ability or whether you want to fold up and walk away. Only you can determine the best choice for you.
And, no matter what you decide you can still use this as an opportunity to strengthen yourself. It is times like these that show you what you're really made of and how much you can love yourself through this. If the affair has brought to light any insecurities or issues that you know you need to work on, then use this as an opportunity to do it. Work on your self esteem and your self confidence, define what you really want and accept no less than that. Your spouse might be part of this plan and they might not. But use this negative as the spring board for a positive change.
As painful as it is, an affair will often show you exactly where your life was not working. Yes, often this is through no fault of your own. You can't control the circumstances, but you can control the outcome. Define where you want to go from here and then open your heart and open up the conversation. Define exactly what you need to happen and then begin taking the steps that are going to get you there. Understand that you control what your life looks like by making it so. Yes, the affair happened to you and this feels awful, but take back control and don't remain a victim. And no, you can't control what your spouse thinks or does, but you can control your reaction to their actions. No one can control what you think, feel, or experience. Decide where you want to go from here and take one step at a time until you've back where you want to be and are stronger than ever.
I know that things can seem overwhelming right now, but take one step at a time and always place the highest value on your own happiness. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
