subject: What To Do When Your Husband Doesn't Want To Be Married Anymore [print this page] Over the holiday, I got an email from a wife who told me that she was afraid that her husband "really didn't want to be married to me anymore." Her husband had not come right out and told her this, but his actions were speaking volumes. She said that her husband was increasingly absent, distant, and cold. He had been spending less and less time at home, seemed to want to be with friends and coworkers more than his wife, and was rarely initiating contact anymore. She did not really suspect an affair because she did not feel that this was her husband's style. Instead, she felt that he was more likely to want to end the marriage. She asked for my advice as to what she should do. I'll share with you what Itold her in the following article.
Why I Felt That She Shouldn't Come Right Out And Ask Him If He Wanted A Divorce: I advised the wife to not press the issue. This was really either going to put the husband on the defensive or contribute to him saying something that might be hurtful and not at all helpful. I wanted for her to be clear that the goal was really not to define the husband's future intentions. What she wanted instead was to improve the relationship so that she would no longer need to worry whether he was going to seek a divorce or not.
To that end, Ireally didn't want for her to get in his face and demand to know if he was committed to remaining married. Instead, Iwanted for her to just begin focusing on herself and then on the marriage. Because, you really can not control the feelings or even the actions of someone else. But, you can greatly control how you handle the situation. This can often have a huge impact on how things turn out.
And often times, you don't need to explain what you are doing to the point where your husband feels like you are placing blame. You can just begin making changes on your own. Sure, eventually, he will notice. But by the time he does, things will already be greatly improved. And, this is where you should be before you begin trying to make huge changes or to ask difficult questions. The ground is likely too shaky to introduce additional challenges right now.
Giving Him The Space To Figure Out That The Grass Probably Isn't As Green As He Might Think: First off, we don't actually know what this wife's husband is thinking. He may not be as unhappy as she thinks. However, she might well be accurate. In truth, my advice would be the same either way. I did not want for her to demand huge changes until they began to deeply bond again. I wanted for her to appear fun loving, light hearted, and busy. Because often times, our perceptions are flavored by what is going on in our own lives. So, if she could focus on her own happiness, I strongly suspected that things would begin to look differently to both her and her husband if she started to focus on her own contentment with out over analyzing everything to do with her husband.
Once she did this and began to feel more positive and happy about her life and herself, Iwanted for her to then focus those feelings onto her marriage. (It's important that you do not skip the individual work. If you do, you will often find that you can't give someone else what youdo not have.) Again, she did not necessarily need to telegraph this. She just needed to focus on the two of them having more fun together on the occasions that he was present. She very much wanted to request that he be present more, but Iasked that she try making their time together more fulfilling for both of them. I was pretty confident that if she did this,it would eventually bethehusbandwho began initiating more of the contact since the payoff for him was going to be increasing.
It's so important to understand that everyone and this includes her husband will gravitate to the pay off. If the thing or person feels good and brings pleasure, then you are going to move toward it. If it doesn't, then your inclination will be to want to move away. This may seem like an oversimplification, but she needed for her husband to begin getting the pay off so that he was moving toward, not away from her.
Of course, she wanted to know what she should do if this did not work. I told her that she had to play this off convincingly, and, if she did, Ifelt that it would work. However, in the event that she didn't get the reaction that she wanted, I advised her to have a bit of patience and to continue working on herself. If, after this he still seemed to want out the marriage, we would then address that specific issue. However, addressing the issue before you restore the intimacy and bond is sort of doing things backward. You will get so much better results if he is connected to you and hasa vested interest in ensuring that the pay off continues.
No matter how or when she decided to begin, I told her that she shouldnotprocrastinate or wait for him to make a move. Putting this off may ensure that his move is a negative one. It's important to be proactive and to start creating a positive pay off. Even if things ultimately deteriorated,she wasstill going to be in a much better and stronger position moving forward. And, what didshe have to lose by trying?
When I felt my own husband slipping away, I made many mistakes. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. These things back fired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course and save the marriage. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
What To Do When Your Husband Doesn't Want To Be Married Anymore
