subject: Abusive Relationship Help - The Right Help For An Abusive Relationship [print this page] Domestic violence is recognized as a "condition" that exists within an intimate relationship. But its source is intra-psychic, meaning arising out of an individualnamely, the batterer. Most people will acknowledge this as true.
I often hear domestic violence survivors tell me that they want to help their partners once they learn of the intra-psychic issues underlying their partner's inappropriate abusive aggression. The question is, how?
Abuser as Victim
Months and, in some cases, years may have gone by wherein the survivor struggles with staying in the abusive relationship or merely leaving it. Then in a fragile moment, typically following a heated violent altercation, the perpetrator may share his childhood memories of being abused, beaten and/or tormented in some fashion.
Empathy pours out of his partner as she goes from his victim to his caretaker. She realizes that he was once where she is now. She sees the "little battered boy" inside and she wants to help him.
Suddenly what was happening to her is happening to "us" because of what has happened to him. She recognizes that some psychological "fix" is in order and she seeks to secure it for her partner for the sake of their relationship.
Victim-Batterer Psychological Fix
Having identified their abuse problem as stemming from his past and lingering within him, she seeks to find a mental health intervention to help him. In her mind, it's no different than looking for a GI specialist if her partner has bleeding ulcers.
Her efforts to find the "right" psychological care for him are pure, and his mind is open to trying the counseling she has found for him. The question is, will it work?
The only problem with this picture is that the batterer ends up in general psychological care. He is given psychotherapy to help him unravel the past and better appreciate its relevance to what's present in his current intimate relationship.
While the insight and newly gained perspective are all well and good, in and of itself, it doesn't stop the battering behavior. It doesn't arrest the abusive thinking and actions. It doesn't "fix" the abuse problem.
Psychotherapy Versus Domestic Violence Treatment
An intervention that specifically focuses on changing the abusive thinking and behavior would, on the other hand, inspire the result these couples seek. And sadly, they don't know that they are NOT getting the appropriate intervention until it is too late.
We frequently see couples in abusive relationships spending their earnest effort on psychotherapy to fix the batterer or fix their marriage, and they end up carrying the same patterns of interaction throughout and after the psychotherapy.
If these couples would instead bring the abuse problem to an authentic abuse specialist (not one that just says they are an abuse specialist), then the outcome could look much different. The treatment outcome could be the interactional behavior change that they desire.
