subject: The 5 Elements of a Great Conversation [print this page] Have you ever wondered what it takes to hold a great conversation? Well I always did but for the life of me, I could never wrap my mind around what made the difference between a great conversation and a bad conversation. The problem was that I was trying to achieve a goal that I had never defined. Sought of like chasing after a rainbow, with your eyes closed!
You see what I mean?
So the priceless lesson that I learnt was that a goal undefined is nothing more than a dream! Therefore in order to figure out what would make the difference in creating great conversations, I had to define what a great conversation was to me and to the other person.
Now it goes without saying that my initial definition of a great conversation was not very vivid, even though I tried to make it so, however over the years, with experience behind me, I have finally narrowed the definition of a great conversation to 5 key elements.
So the 5 elements of a great conversation are:
1. Ease
Interestingly enough the amount of mental thought that we put into a conversation is mostly inversely productive to the quality of conversation.
What does that mean?
Simply put, it means that we tend to put too much thought into what we are saying, how we are saying it and what we are going to say next and all this does is create worry within us and thus defeating your confidence. My guess is that these worries sound all too familiar to you, as they also did for me!
Now what holds most people back from great conversation is a lack of confidence, pure and simple! The multitude of questions that have you worried about hold conversations are simply warning signs of your lack of self confidence. It is a hard truth but a truth none the less.
So when you cultivate a level of self confidence to hold conversations without the worry of what is next then you will finally have this element of great conversations mastered. And the next element can then fall in place.
Remember: Great conversationalists are able to hold conversations in a confident manner that seems almost effortless! So do not let your mind worry you into bad conversation. Rather than worry, train yourself to accept that great conversations always have an element of fluidity!
2. Fluidity
Great conversations should not be hard work to keep going!
If you ever feel like a conversation is taking too much energy to keep alive, then do yourself a favor and stop trying! Let me explain.
Now have you ever noticed how natural conversationalists are never afraid of what you would call an awkward silence/pause in conversation? While on the other hand, most people hate awkward silences and feel the unexplained urge/need to fill it up with a anything that comes to mind, which often ends up being the worst thing to do!
Natural conversationalists take the ebb and flow of conversation in stride and never fulfill their human desire to try too hard to make the conversation last longer than it needs to.
So one of the most important things to learn is how to be comfortable when there is a pause in conversation. If there is a silence in conversation then enjoy the silence, relax, or just take it as a hint that maybe you need to politely end the interaction for now.
Besides who ever said that a great conversation needs to be long? Short conversations can be just as great as longer conversations. The last thing you want is to be caught in a long winded dry conversation, especially when you are the one forcing it on!
So remember silence should never be considered a bad thing! It is just a part of the ups and downs of conversations. The ability to be relaxed during a silent period communicates volumes in terms of confidence to the other person.
Trying too hard to force conversation will have the adverse effect of creating the interview scenario, where you find yourself constantly asking question to try and keep things going, only to get the classic one or two word responses that force you to try and think of something else.
3. Fun
So when you are confident enough in yourself so that you are not thinking too much about the conversation or worrying about it or forcing the course of the conversation onwards then you will realize that you start having fun! You will genuinely begin to enjoy conversing with the multitude of people you interact with and that positive enjoy forces a reciprocating feeling from everyone else.
However this depends on the content of the speech. It is hard to have a fun conversation when the topic of conversation is a death in the family.
So this is where the fourth element of a great conversation comes into effect, Meaning!
4. Meaning
Great conversations need to be meaningful.
So what does it mean to have a meaning in a conversation? It simply means that there needs to be a sense of mutual sharing of oneself in conversation.
Great conversations always have someone sharing something about themselves to another. It need not be a mind blowing revelation or a deep dark secret. No, it just has to be something about themselves.
The question is, can you have fun and meaningful conversation at the same time? And the answer is YES, because even humor is personal. We all have individual senses of humor and when we are genuinely having fun in conversation we share that with each other.
So you can know that there is no meaning in a conversation when there is nothing but shallow cold interaction, for example, when every reply is nothing more than a one or two word response.
Now the trick is to be able to make people comfortable enough around you so that they are able to engage in a meaningful, sharing conversation with you, during a first time meeting. I.e. the very first time you meet them.
5. Purpose
Without purpose there is no sense of direction!
I will not try and water down the importance of this last element of great conversation as I already have written a great explanation of its effectiveness in great conversation in my e-book but I will say this, all great conversationalists have a purpose in their speech and you must to!
