subject: Teaching Tips How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Students Part Two [print this page] As any experienced teacher will know, conflicts with one or more of our students sometimes occur. Its inevitable. Call it a part of human interaction, whatever, the simply thing is, we dont agree with one another and an argument or conflict situation can ensue.
Nothing damages the management and classroom discipline more than a tense stand off between a student and a teacher. Remaining calm and collected while inside is a rising volcano is a tall order in some situations, it is also a requirement for a teacher.
Blowing your top can cause irreversible damage to relationships, your authority and even self-dignity. I know I felt terrible the last time it happened. Fortunately, it was the last time and since I have never had the situation occur. I also know it will never happen again.
In terms of developing closer and stronger relationships with your students, it is important to also know how to handle students that may not have the same control over their emotions and outbursts adults do. However, when a child blows their top a bit, we can use this as an opportunity to learn from it, together.
In this article I will focus on ways to model and teach children how to manage the negative emotions and thoughts that arise without being overcome by them. It leads to more personal responsibility and the goal is to start replacing blame and wrong actions with the willingness to self correct and make amends if needed. It also opens up a space of deeper relationship with your students.
One could say most kids are really connected with life. They are able to appreciate anything in every given moment. But what happens when things go awry? They get upset, angry or even throw a tantrum or get in a fight or argument. It seems their emotions and thoughts have taken control.
So, what is the best way to deal with these situations and build more awareness and responsibility our children? The answer lies in how WE respond to these situations. The most important thing I will say here is that you need to separate the child from the situation. Our own judgements must be put aside. We develop what is called the witness viewpoint within ourselves as a first step.
After I learned the following technique I used it in all my classes, programs and camps as a means of conflict resolution and behaviour management. It takes patience on the part of the adult and the willingness to develop this ability in yourself. It will take practice and even some trial and error, but you will begin to notice changes and things will get easier.
Firstly, you need to remain present and just observe what is happening without feeling the need to do anything. Do not give in to the tantrum or bad behavior. Giving in to bad behavior lets the child learn that the emotions and thoughts can be used to get what they want. You deliberately do nothing and simply ride it out.
Of course you take action if safety becomes a concern. You may need to do something to stop a fight or protect others. The important thing is to do it without any added emotion or anger.
The second step is where it all starts to happen. Sometime after the event, an hour or even the next day, you begin talking with them about what happened.
It is a time for developing their own ability to observe what was going on for them. Ask them to describe what it feels like.
Ask them what made them lose control. What would they call it? What does it look like? For a younger child you could have them draw a picture. Get them to give the situation a name or something they could call it.
Ask them if they think it may happen again? If it was a fight they were involved in, ask them what happened that triggered their reaction. What happened when the feeling went away?
You could also talk about when the same happens to you. You could also ask them if you could help them recognize when it starts to happen again.
Finally you could ask them if they feel they would like to do something to make up for what they did? You could encourage them to do it together with you.
The next time it begins you then ask them if they are losing control again? Or using the name they gave it, tell them Its starting again isnt it?
When you do this repeatedly, they will begin to recognize it for themselves and correct it. Let them know it is ok to acknowledge if they are angry or upset, but that it doesnt have to take control of them.
Lastly, it is up to you to model this behaviour.
As an anecdote, notice how your relationship develops with them? Are you feeling more connected? Are your judgements fading?
The next article in this series we will look at the role compassion, decision-making abilities and problem solving skills play in developing strong trusting relationships with your students.
