subject: Relationship Counseling - How To Sidestep Common Causes Of A Relationship Breakdown [print this page] Most people who commit to marriage do it with the intention of the marriage lasting. They have high hopes and both desire a long and happy life together. They start out with the best intentions. Unfortunately, good intentions aren't sufficient to build a happy home, a good solid marriage. Modern relationships are fraught with breakdown and most people are at a loss to explain the primary reasons why. Plenty of speculation exists regarding a lack of love or commitment as being the primary sources for what causes relationship breakdown. Although these can both be contributing factors, I don't believe they constitute the foundational problems modern couples face.
Then why do so many relationship breakdowns exist?
When one or both of the partners lack the necessary skills to make the relationship work harmoniously, the relationship breaks down.
Throughout our lives, it is normal to get training for all kinds of things. In many areas of our lives we consider education to be normal. This could involve learning how to cook, getting a degree, or something as simple as learning how to ride a bike.
Imagine that I am going to help you to find a much needed job. I know of a business that is hiring in their accounting department and I phone you to tell you about it. I suggest you go apply. I know the manager and I'll talk to her myself. You emphatically state that you have no training in accounting and therefore know very little about it. I convince you to go and apply for the position anyway. Now, let's assume that due to some miracle you got the job, what's the likelihood of you succeeding at it? Is there much chance your new employer would be satisfied with your work?
Strangely enough though, when it comes to marriage, which is one of the most challenging and simultaneously rewarding of relationships, the majority of people have little or no training.
A sense of embarrassment and shame is commonly felt by people with prolonged relationship problems. This sense of embarrassment prevents countless numbers of people from getting the help they need, from learning new skills that could help them improve their situation dramatically. If people don't feel embarrassed about asking for help with their car repairs, their taxes or the fixing of a leaky roof, why should they feel bad about seeking help for relationship problems?
What makes matters even worse, is that most people's primary reference point for how marriage should be lived out comes from their parents, yet how many people really want a relationship like their parents? Do you want a relationship like your parent's? If you do, consider yourself very lucky as you are one of only a handful.
Like any skills you've learned throughout your life, good relationships skills are very learnable. The desire for a quick fix is the biggest challenge people face. "I want it now!" It's possible to enjoy a quality of relationship that far exceeds what you've experienced in the past, if you can be patient with yourself and stick with the learning process. The question then is...how badly do you want it?
Secondly, the breakdowns go from temporary to permanent when one or both of the partners are unwilling to learn new ways of relating, ways they aren't currently aware of, that may seem very uncomfortable at first, but could help the relationship to grow and thrive.
There's an old saying that "it takes two." A relationship breakdown, I believe, only takes one. It only takes one to kill it, and two to make it work. One member of a dating or marriage relationship can end up holding the other hostage by refusing to learn new and more effective ways of relating.
On a positive note, the desire to cause harm is rarely what's motivating these people. Fear is the root of their opposition to learning. They don't want to appear incompetent or weak, they fear it. They have bought into a lie. Making their life with the opposite sex run smoothly is something they believe should just magically happen.
As I mentioned earlier, it's OK to ask for help with fixing a car, a roof or with one's taxes, but many people see it as unacceptable to seek help with the most emotionally charged relationship they'll ever have: marriage. Why should marriages magically fix themselves when cars don't?
