subject: Marriage Counseling - What Jealousy Does To Intimacy In Marriage [print this page] Jealousy in a dating or marriage relationship kills intimacy. The term intimacy can be re-written as "into-me-see." This re-write represents a very accurate picture of what intimacy is all about...sharing of oneself. Intimacy requires transparency. Increasing levels of intimacy are achieved through increasing levels of trust. Jealousy is really just another way of telling your mate that you don't trust them, or that they don't trust you.
What is the root of jealousy, why does it exist? Jealousy comes in two forms: the warranted real, and the unwarranted false. It can be difficult to tell the difference between the two, yet both can be deadly to the health of a relationship.
First, the real and justified. This is jealousy or a suspicion about the other person that is justified because...the person lacks trustworthiness. Trustworthiness must be aquired through effort, it must be earned.
Second, the false. This is rooted in one of the partner's feelings of insecurity. They fear losing their partner because they're not able to keep them happy.
The real from the false: how to recognize them.
The real: Perhaps they've been unfaithful in the past, or they watch and make comments about the attractiveness of someone else on a consistent basis, as if it's healthy and normal to show little regard for their mate's feelings. They make comments like, "it never hurts to look." They engage in questionable activities with the opposite sex far too frequently, like going out for coffee or talking on the phone for hours. They commonly try to defend themselves when confronted about being unfaithful with flimsy excuses like we're "just friends." The fact that they are communicating more intimately with this other person than they are with you is ignored and often belittled. The setting of healthy and mutually respectful boundaries with those outside their relationship is something they either refuse to do or have only a vague idea about how to implement. They ignore the fact that trust must be earned and ask it to be blindly given them regardless of their behavior. At the height of absurdity, they ask for blind trust to be given in spite of their poor behaviour at being faithful.
The false: Some past relationship where there was broken trust, is usually what this is based on. Perhaps you have been cheated on in the past, or maybe you had a parent who broke their promises with you on a number of different occasions. These experiences of broken trust were real and painful. The challenge for people who've had these negative experiences is that there is a carry over to the present that isn't necessarily real. The past is the past, but it doesn't always feel that way when current circumstances have a similar feel to them.
Being in a relationship that is far better than you'd ever imagined can create another form of false jealousy. You have a hard time believing it could possibly last. You expect the relationship to sour, which creates a greater likelihood that it will as a result of your negative mindset. When one of the members of the relationship doesn't believe they deserve such a great partner, bad or false jealousy is likely to rear it's ugly head.
There can be a cross over of both the real and the false, but in most cases it's heavily weighted in one direction or the other.
Is the jealousy you're dealing with real or false?
If it's real, the person that is untrustworthy needs to be willing to earn trust, and the person being cheated on needs to be willing to call things for what they are, or risk further hurt and disappointment. This may require tough boundaries to be put in place, which can be a distasteful task.
If it's false, the person being falsely accused needs to be told the truth about where the jealousy problem stems from. For the false accuser, separating past negative experiences from the present is essential to giving their current or future relationship the healthy and hopeful environment it needs in order to grow.
