subject: How To Get What You Wish From Your Partner [print this page] How much energy you should spend in trying to get what you want from your partner? Think for a moment- How much of your time is spent thinking about what to tell your partner to look the way you want it to be?
Many of us spend plenty of time thinking about how to get what they wish from our partner - how to get our partner to open up, be more caring, see us, love us, pay attention to us, spend time with us, have sex with us, and so on. They spend at lot of energy trying to get what they wish from our partner because they think that if only they do it right - behave right or say the right thing - they can have control over getting our partner to change. This illusion of having control over getting another to change keeps us stuck in behavior that not only does not work to get us what they wish, but drains us of the energy they could be using to learn to take loving care of ourselves.
It is hard to accept that they can't "get" others to do what they wish them to do, even if it would be nice for them and for the relationship.
What you can do is take your eyes off your partner and put them on yourself. You have total control to change yourself, and no control to change your partner. The query you require to be asking yourself is, "What do I require to do for my own well-being if my partner doesn't change?"
These protective, controlling ways of responding to conflict will always exacerbate the conflict and make us feel badly within. The wounded part of us believes they can get love and avoid pain with these protective behaviors, but in point of fact it is often these behaviors that are actually causing our own pain. None of these behaviors love to us, nor are they speaking personal responsibility for our own feelings and well-being when they behave in these controlling ways.
Often they project onto our partner the inner unhappiness that results from not taking loving care of ourselves. In lieu of trying to get our partner to me more loving, open and attentive, they must focus on being open, loving, kind and attentive with ourselves and with our partner.
Anytime they blame another for our unhappiness, they are being a victim. Moving out of being a victim means taking loving action for ourselves so they are no longer frustrated with the situation.
Opening to learning along with your partner can be magical regarding generating intimacy and resolving conflict. While you cannot make your partner be open to learning, in the event you open to learning yourself, you might discover the power you require to change your relationship.
When you move out of seeing yourself as a victim of your partner's behavior and in to taking loving action by yourself behalf, you may be surprised at the changes that occur in the relationship. Most conflict is stuck in power struggles that result from each person trying to control with some form blame, anger, resistance, withdrawal, or compliance. When you cease your finish of the power struggle and start to take care of yourself, as well as open to learning along with your partner, the likelihood opens for great change to occur.
