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subject: How To Fix Your Marriage [print this page]

As you know, Marriage Fitness is not a faith

based program. However, as you probably also

know, I am a person of faith, and I occasionally

use biblical references to try to help you with

your marriage. I believe that everyone can learn

from the Bible, whether they consider it sacred

text or simply ancient classic literature.

In Genesis, in the beginning of the Bible, God

asks Adam and Eve not to eat from the tree of

knowledge of good and evil. After being tempted

by the serpent, Adam and Eve disobey God and eat

from the tree.

Yup, they blew it.

And, of course, your spouse blows it sometimes

too.

But we can learn a lot about how to conduct

ourselves in our marriage when our spouse blows

it by how God treats Adam and Eve after their

blunder. You know what He does? He realizes what

they need and He gives it to them.

After Adam and Eve disobey God they realize

they're naked and they feel embarrassed. God sees

that they're embarrassed so he gives them

clothing.

He gives them clothing? Shouldn't He let them

suffer the consequences of their choice? Isn't He

condoning their behavior by continuing to care

for them? Let them be embarrassed, right?

No.

Love gives. Period. It's not complicated. And

that's what makes it so hard.

Loving someone means taking care of them, giving

them what they need, whether they deserve it or

not. In fact, it's that kind of unconditional

giving and caring that prevents a single mistake

in a marriage from spiraling out of control and

leading to more mistakes.

You see, usually, when one spouse blows it, the

other spouse uses that as justification to blow

it themselves. Of course, that only makes matters

worse.

But imagine if every time your spouse made a

mistake you tended to their need that was created

by that mistake.

For example, let's say you ask your spouse not to

leave the sewing box at the top of the basement

steps because if it gets knocked down it'll empty

and make a big mess. They ignore you and do it

anyway. And, in fact, your dog knocks the sewing

box down the basement steps and it makes a huge

mess.

What does your spouse need now?

Your spouse would need 2 things, I think:

1. Help cleaning up the sewing box pieces.

2. Relief from feeling stupid and wrong.

Normally, most spouses would say "I told you not

to"... and leave their spouse to clean up the mess

themselves; essentially allowing them to suffer

the practical and emotional consequences of their

mistake. This, of course, makes matters worse

between husband and wife, and begins the downward

spiral.

But why not be more like God was with Adam and

Eve. It's true your spouse blew it, but that

created needs which you can now fulfill. You

might say to your spouse, "I told that dog to

stay away from the sewing box" (shifting the

blame to the dog and relieving their emotional

guilt). And then you might help them with the

clean up (relieving their practical burden).

There's no doubt that giving your spouse what

they need in the face of their mistake is a

difficult choice for you to make, but consider

the difference it would make in your marriage.

So, here's what you can do to fix your marriage

this week: When your spouse makes their next mistake

(that won't take more than a week, right?),

instead of letting them suffer the consequences

of their choice, ease their pain. Whatever need

your spouse might have as a result of their

mistake, take care of it. Basically, be like God.

I know it's a tall task, but you can do it! And it'll

make a heavens worth of difference in your marriage.

Have a good week.

Warm regards,

Mort Fertel

Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness

by: Mort Fertel

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