subject: Denial Is The First Stage Of Grief [print this page] You may think your situation is different and yes, the exact nature of your loss is different but not the feelings you are experiencing. The feelings are the same for everyone but everyone reacts differently to these feelings.
I am going to talk about relationship breakups or separations and divorces. Changing the way you respond to these feelings will make the difference. When you are going through a breakup and you do not want to, the first feeling is "This can"t be happening" "This is not real" You may even try to act as if nothing is wrong. Your mind will try to protect you from the pain and reality of this situation.
There is usually the person doing the leaving and the person being left. The person doing the leaving is going to feel denial too, but they have come to you and said they want to leave. You must try to understand that they need to talk right now. You can sometimes save the relationship if you are able to face them and address the problem right at that moment in a calm, adult manner without anger or frustration. This is the point where most people fail.
If you are the person being left, I am taking to you. When they say to you "I want to leave you" you may feel instantly angry, because it may be a shock to you. Try with all your might, all your strength not to respond with that anger. You should, if you can, say, "will you give me a couple of minutes to gather myself and is it possible to talk about this?" It may sound simple to you, but it is not simple to react that calmly to such a situation. The person doing the leaving feels bad and a little scared at how you might react to this.
So if you are calm, nine out of ten times they will give you the opportunity to talk about what they are feeling. You might sit there and try to beg them to stay, do not do that, you might try to bring up their past mistakes that you have forgiven, do not do that, DO NOT lay blame on the person doing the leaving, this will push them out the door fast. Let that person try to explain what they are feeling, without any reaction from you, you need to LISTEN, just listen and allow them their feelings.
If you are the one out of one hundred that can do what I just said then you have the chance of saving your relationship at this point. But if you are like most people and can not do any of the above, then your partner is going to walk out the door. The feelings of denial will now set in for both of you. The person who left will begin to feel they made a mistake. They will begin thinking about you.
Now I am talking to you the person who was left. Your feeling of denial will set in and you might start doing some of the things that most in your situation do. You call, you text message, you drive by where they are staying and so on. You just can not believe it is over, this can not be happening to you. You are in Denial. Do not call; do not talk to them at all, in any way.
"What! Do not let them know I am still here and alive!" They know you are, trust me. If you start doing those things, you will push them further away. Do not start begging them to talk to you and to see you. Do not leave ten million messages a day. You are not the one that needs to be heard at this point, they are and you did not listen to them in the beginning of all this. There is a saying an old one, silly as it may sound; Let them go, if they come back, they were always yours, if they do not, they never were.
You might think that this is harder than the stuff I said before. And you might be right, but know this, your silence will speak louder than if you were to scream in their ear. Your silence will lead them to think about you and how you are; they might even call you just to check on you. But remember one thing, this can take a month or two, sometimes it happens much faster, but it does take time. So when the call comes, or if you see them someplace else; take hold of your emotions; when they ask you how you are, tell your ex-partner that you are doing fine, you are ok and you hope they are happy because that"s all you really want for them. NOW find a reason to get off the phone quickly, or get away from them if they come by or see you someplace else.
You are going to break down inside and you can not let them see this right now; they need to believe you have moved on. Now they will go crazy and try to find a way back into your life. Sometimes it comes in the form of breakup sex, they show up to have sex with you, and this happens about 90% of the time. Do not do it, tell them you will go to dinner or for a walk to catch up on how THEY are doing. Now you can listen to them and have a grown up conversation with them about the relationship, the things you say are very important. Find out what to say by going to the link in my Bio.
During the time you are away from each other, you will suffer the other four stages of grief; you must recognize them and control your reactions to those feelings. Understand you are feeling them but do not react in a negative way to them. Allow yourself to go thought the process; you will need to call a friend to lean on, but please, resist the temptation to call your ex for help at all costs.
