subject: Know The Factors Involved In Creating A Relationship [print this page] There are many factors involved in creating a relationship. Certainly helps if two people have some things in common regarding how they like to spend your time. It also helps if they have common values around religion or spirituality, about politics, the environment, abortion, and personal growth. It helps if the two eat junk food or both eat organic food. It makes things easier if the two are pretty or both are messy, if both are on time people or both are late people. Physical attraction is also very important. It's great if they have common values around money and spending.
However, a couple can have all this and still do not have a relationship, if one element is missing. Without this essential ingredient, all the other wonderful qualities will not suffice to make the relationship work.
At one point, each of us is dedicated to only one of two different intentions: to control or learning. When our intent is to control, our deepest motivation is to have control over getting love, avoiding pain and sense of security. When we intend to learn, our deepest motivation is to learn about being the love of ourselves and others.
The motivation to get love but love can create havoc within a relationship.
Let's look at a typical issue of the relationship and see what happens regarding the two different intentions. Jason and Samantha are feeling emotionally distant from each other, and have not made love in a month. The problem started when Samantha said she wanted to take a vacation costly and opposed Jason. Samantha was angry, Jason gave way, and have been cool ever since.
Samantha intention was to have control over getting what he wanted. She equates an expensive holiday with love, if Jason does this to her, then showing his love for her. She used her anger as a way to have control over getting what he wants. She wants to control special feeling to Jason.
Jason intention is to avoid pain. He gave Samantha have control over not being angry with him. He hopes that by giving Samantha what she wants, she will see it as a good husband and lover.
However, because both Jason and Samantha were trying to control each other rather than love themselves and each other, their interaction created emotional distance.
If the intention is to be learned Samantha, was not to get angry. Instead, I wanted to understand the objections of Jason. If Jason's intention was to learn he would not have given up. Instead, I wanted to understand why this particular holiday was so important to Samantha. Both Samantha and Jason had been taking care of themselves and each other, instead of wanting to get love or avoid pain. In their mutual exploration of why they felt the way they did, would have learned what they had to learn - about themselves and each other - to reach a win-win solution. Instead of Samantha ostensibly winning and losing to Jason, who would come up with something both could live. With a little exploration of their financial fears, Jason might have decided that I wanted Samantha vacation would be nice. To understand the financial aspects of Jason, Samantha could have chosen a holiday cheaper. In any case, both of them have felt very good about the result.
No matter how much Jason and Samantha have in common or are attracted to each other, their love will decrease when your intention is to control more than learning. It's amazing how quickly love fades away when one or both partners intend to control. It is equally amazing how quickly reappears when both parties intend to learn.
