subject: The Difficult Book Club Member - What To Do? by:Molly Lundquist [print this page] They're the members who talk too much - interrupting some, taking forever to get to the point, loving the sound of their own voice. They dominate the discussions. And sometimes (gasp!) they're the ones who keep up the social chat while you're trying to hold a serious book discussion.
Or maybe they're negative - the ones who rarely like a book and don't hesitate to let everyone know. Or they find it impossible to express a disagreement without levying an insult.
These are known as the Difficult Members - and many clubs have one. At first everyone takes the problem with a grain of salt - maybe just a wry smile and roll of the eyes. But over time things can become well, more difficult, tiresome, irritating. At some point, members start to drop out, not wanting to come to meetings, simply to avoid one person. That's the tipping point - when one member becomes a threat to the wellbeing of the entire club.
The Difficult Member is like the elephant in the room: no one really wants to admit the full extent of the problem - because then you have to solve it. But when members begin to leave, clearly something has to be done.
The question is, what? How do you deal with the problem skillfully - without hurting feelings - and still preserve the integrity of the group? There's no easy solution, but you might find some help by taking a look at what other clubs have tired. Some of these approaches take heed of an early warning, hoping to nip the problem in the bud before it becomes a full - blown crisis.
Establish a covenant. A covenant is a membership agreement, a sort of contract that sets some basic ground rules - things like common courtesy and equal give - and - take during discussions. You can spell out both acceptable and unacceptable behavior and ask that members do their best to adhere to the principles.
Use a "talking" object. Find a colorful stone, decorative pillow, statuette, or any kind of object that can be passed around the room. Whoever holds it gets to speak. No interruption is allowed, and no one can speak without it. You can even set a time limit for how long anyone can hold the object. It sounds contrived, but clubs who use a talking object say it works.
Delineate discussion vs. socializing. Do something obvious to help members switch gears from social chat to book talk. It might be a change of room (from eating area to living room), or a symbolic moment, like lighting a candle (enlightenment or illumination?). Maybe a timer that signals the beginning of book discussion. Establish a general understanding (see covenant, above) that comments during book discussion should pertain to the book. Be firm on this!
Intervene personally. Sometimes the most effective way is simply to talk to the member. Ask someone in the club who has a close relationship or who has a gift for "diplomacy." to intervene.
Rule #1 - do not email. Emails are dangerous.
Rule #2 - do not be accusatory.
Make sure the member knows others in the club appreciate him - that she's a valued participant, but that "some of the others feel their ideas don't get heard or feel left out or feel hurt. No matter how delicately you put it, personal confrontation isn't easy. But it can be done - to everyone's benefit.
Move on. But let's face it: there are times when nothing works. Sadly, in such cases, the member has to leave: it's the only way to preserve the book club. Some good - and brave - soul must be willing to step up to the plate and kindly ask the person to move on. It's painful, but at times there's no other way.
How do you approach this - what do you say? Again, avoid accusations. But you still can be frank without being blunt: "this isn't a good fit" or "it doesn't seem to be working" or "another club may work better for you."
Dealing with difficult members is not an uncommon problem. Nonetheless, if it's dealt with early - and with sensitivity - you may avoid heartache down the line. It can be done.
About the author
Molly Lundquist is owner of LitLovers (http://www.litlovers.com/), an online resource for book clubs and solo readers. LitLovers brings together Molly's life-long love of reading, writing, and teaching. The website includes a large list of in-depth reading guides, book recommendations and reviews, free online literature courses, international book club recipes, and plenty of "how-to" tips for book clubs, including tips for kids book clubs.
