subject: Addicted To Sex? [print this page] Are you taking part in sexual behavior that has gotten uncontrollable? Or are you being informed that you do? As a Certified Sex Therapist in Orange County, California, I get a lot of calls from people who wonder if they, or their partners, have crossed the boundary and have become "addicted."
A lot of people say they love sex and it regularly occupies their thoughts. They want more, and are gloomy or anxious when they have to do without for extended time intervals. If the topic was drugs, alcohol or betting we would be concerned about their manic fascination, but sex is a natural, healthy biological process - so we celebrate their sexuality.
But what about when a line is crossed, when your interest in sex starts to create problems for normal daily functioning? How about when you realize you've spent the last four hours looking at pornography online, or video chatting with others in an attempt to have a sexual experience? How about when you understand you don't have money to pay for rent or you've maxed out your credit cards due to the prostitutes or motel rooms you've paid for? Or when you've missed another appointment due to more trading of email and pictures with a stranger? How about when you've lost a job due to violating Internet policies or from coming in late due to staying out all night seeking sexual experiences? Or when the most significant person in your life leaves you because you are unable to keep promises to change your behavior?
Whether or not this behavior meets the criteria for an "addiction" an "obsession," or even unsafe or illegal - it certainly is conduct that is damaging your life and you should seek help understanding how you got here, and more significantly, what measures you need to take to stop, or control these habits. You may have made numerous attempts to make amends, but your efforts are futile and dropback into the same old routine.
Not sure your sexual activity is having an impact on your life in a negative way? Here are some points to think about. Be very honest with yourself here...it's your future and happiness at stake here:
Work: lost jobs, being embarrassed by colleagues; lost promotions; less or no awards, general distraction and lost productivity. Is it having any impact on your being where you want to be - from a career point of view?
Money: high cell phone charges; not able to buy things you want/need because money is is being spent on sexual activities; little or no savings or retirement funds; people calling for payments. Money being spent on websites, prostitutes/escorts, massage parlors, gifts/trips/hotels for sexual partners other than your spouse?
Relationships: spouse has gone off and left you alone, less or no contact with your kids; have no time to keep up with relationships that used to be important to you; tense communications; disillusioned parents; you've begun becoming lonesome.
Health: decreased sleep than required to perform at your peak level; diseases transmitted due to sex; poor eating habits; lack of exercise; constant fear of being discovered causing anxiety and depression, overweight and tense, constant sweating.
Time: excessive hours on-line; driving and looking for activity; waiting, waiting, waiting for that connection or that view through a window; little or no time to spend with your family; finally, lost years of your life.
Other: lost reputation; anger at yourself and others; feeling vulnerable and dejected; in general loss of self-worth that has a bearing on your entire life.
In general, do you feel great embarrassment and remorse when you've once again gone over the line, after promising yourself that you would reduce or stop your unhealthy sexual activities? Too much time, too much money, cheating with your significant other, unsatisfying results...
Modifying this behavior requires an admission that there is a problem, the awareness that your many efforts to fix it by yourself have failed, and a willingness to ask for help, and to take some direction from someone with knowledge of and experience in this complex and many layered condition. In my practice, I usually find it most effective to begin at the cognitive-behavioral stage and start by taking a complete review and understanding what the main points of concern. Just as someone with an eating disorder cannot be expected to stop from consuming food, I don't expect anyone to abstain from all sexual activity, although this may be needed on some level in the initial phase of reforming your mental processes, behaviors, and finding out new ways to express yourself sexually - or when the activity is doing immediate injury to your relationships, or physical or financial self.
It is imperative, when suitable, to include the partner's involvement during this phase, but we usually move towards concentrating on the impaired member, and often get the other partner in the therapy later in the process. Of course, work separately with the non-offending partner can also be crucial to help them understand, sort out and reconcile their anger, anguish, anxiety and/or sadness. Once the individual or couple has moved through the preliminary crisis, I start to investigate the fundamental roots of this self-destructive behavior - study has demonstrated that this behavior is actually a symptom of much deeper dynamics, whether it be a way to handle acute stress, childhood trauma, or excessive expectations that we, or others, place on ourselves.
Just like other compulsions, sexual addiction is not limited by socio-economic-racial-cultural boundaries. I see rich and poor, young and old, gay and straight, married and single clients with these issues. Don't be concerned if you think your particular sexual interest is "different" from others, or that your therapist will not understand. I, and other qualified experts who are licensed psychotherapists and have the additional designation of being Board Certified Sex Therapists, have extensive and specialized training in all varieties of sexual topics and dysfunctions. As a matter of fact, most people pofit from knowing that they are not alone- that there are numerous other people involved in the same activities as themselves. Your confidentiality is lawfully assured with any licensed psychotherapist under the guidelines of the California Board of Behavioral Sciences. It can be a very freeing and unique experience to discuss your issues honestly and openly in a non-judgmental and understanding therapeutic environment. It is very possible that you can amend yourself, you just have to decide that you no longer want to live in an unhealthy, unsatisfying way and make the choice to pledge to change. Make no mistake - asking for help and being open to doing the required work will help you regain the life you wish for, the life that you deserve.
