subject: How To Avoid Your Ex In Cyberspace - A Breakup Guide [print this page] "It's over." "It's over."
So now what?
You're ready to move on. In order to do that, the ex has got to go. Completely and utterly out of your life for a while, so you can clear your head. You hope that it will be so long until you see one another again you won't even remember your ex's eye color.
But everyone is just so darn inter-connected these days. Unless you live under a rock, its all but impossible to avoid a dreaded encounter with the ex.
Gone are the days of tearing up a phone number and moving on with life, now replaced by compulsive cyber updates, intricate social networks pyramids, and impromptu photo uploads.
The internet is a treacherous sea of information overload. And if youve just been dumped, its man overboard.
So whether you come out on top at the end of the ride or get handed the knock-out blow, make sure you follow this simple guide to clearing your head of the ex. If not for your sake or even your ex's, at least think of everyone else out there. After months of enduring lame pet name updates and pretentious couples pix, you owe us.
Facebook
Facebook is the Fonzie of social networking sites. Love it or hate it, just about everyone respects its coolness. To the newly single, however, Facebook is a horrible Greek tragedy. It has an alluring taboo which allows a peek at a former life, a looking glass into the what-could-have-been, with the power to turn any headstrong individual into a compulsive voyeur.
Firstly, think about taking a few days off from Facebook. Go so far as deleting the site from your browser if you cant scratch the itch. If you cant see her profile, you wont be tempted to write anything you might regret. And you certainly wont post that video of you belting out Nothing Compares 2 U naked, a video which will surely land on YouTube and prevent you from ever getting another job.
After a few days when the dust settles, you can finally face your profile. If you and your significant other are Facebook Official, obviously go Single. And make sure to change any interests, videos and fan pages only up there to please your former mate.
But dont even think about an update involving a quote or song lyric that depicts a state of loneliness or re-birth. So, no lyrics from My Heart Will Go On, nothing from Gandhi or Lincoln, and especially no self-written poetry. It is pretentious, and will make you look like an oaf.
Flickr
Flickr is Peter Brady. Cute and edgy at first, but with a crippling potential to run on and turn old fast.
Unfortunately, you will have to untag some pictures. Take a deep breath. You have not doomed them to an eternity lost in cyberspace. Some simple detective work will help you locate them in friends albums if you do indeed one day decide to face them. And you dont need to delete all of them, either. Just the ones that bring you back to a time you hadnt already committed to memory. Anything thats fuzzy deserves to stay fuzzy; pictures convince you that every moment was perfect. But if that were true, it wouldnt be over.
More importantly, please dont bother your friends with overdrawn close-ups of grass or black-and-white portraits with Picasso angles, or anything you find to be inspiring after a break up. A shadow of a garden gnome swaying in the wind is not a metaphor for your bittersweet melancholia. Its just a lawn toy.
Twitter
Twitter is Alf. In desperate need of a distraction, the world turns to a mindless gimmick that we mistakenly believe is a sign of the future.
But if youve just been dumped, it can feel like nails on a chalkboard.
So out of courtesy, make sure all your friends posts opining about the breakup be private. Exes think that everything you do still revolves around them; theres no need fueling the fire by rubbing it in his face.
Finally, on every platform, wait a couple of days before posting photos of you on John Mayers tour bus in Maui, ripping tequila shots and posing with two Calvin Klein models. Assume your ex is at home curled up on the couch with a pint of ice cream watching an Everybody Loves Raymond marathon, desperately trying to keep it together. That was you last week, remember?
