Our Marriage Isn't Working After His Affair
Our Marriage Isn't Working After His Affair
I recently heard from a wife who was getting ready to throw up her hands on her marriage. She and her husband had been working to save the marriage after his affair. Neither wanted to give up on the marriage, but things had not been going as well as either of them had hoped. The wife confided that she still felt angry and quite resentful. She still didn't quite trust him either. And, for his part, the husband told the wife that constantly being questioned and "treated like an awful person" had been no picnic either.
In short, there were still a lot of issues which seemingly were not being worked out, despite the fact that both of them were trying and doing their best to pick up the pieces and move on. The wife said, in part: "I'm trying really hard, but I just don't think we're going to be able to make the marriage work after his affair. I'm not sure what else there is to do. We tried our best, but our marriage seems to just be broken beyond all repair."
I hear from folks who are in this situation quite often. Many feel that there's nothing else that can be done and they are ready to give up and concede that the affair got the better of them and their marriage. This is an individual decision of course, but it's my opinion that struggling and initially not being able to make your marriage work doesn't mean that you have to give up on your marriage. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Your Marriage May Feel Like It's Not Working For A While After His Affair: There's no question that the time frame immediately following a spouse's affair is very painful and awkward. To say it's uncomfortable is an understatement so it's quite understandable when you want to put it behind you as quickly as you possibly can. So, there's sometimes a pressure to hurry up and "make things work" as quickly as you can manage.
But sometimes, this rushing can actually make things a good deal worse. Because if you don't work through the anger, resentment, and mistrust, these things are going to continue to come up, whether you welcome them or not. And, sometimes you can mistake these outstanding issues for a hopeless situation when in reality, it doesn't have to be one. It just needs work and time.
It's natural to struggle for a while as you muddle through this. But, if you find yourself struggling for a period of time that appears excessive to you, this doesn't always mean that you can't or won't make it. But, it can mean that you don't yet have what you need to heal, move on, or to make the marriage work to your satisfaction.
Getting What You Need To Make The Marriage Work After A Spouse's Affair: It's not uncommon for me to hear things like "my spouse said he would do whatever it takes to make the marriage work after the infidelity. But, this hasn't come to pass. Sometimes, he tells me to just tell him what I need, but I have no idea what I need or want. All I know is that I'm still angry and that this just isn't working."
This is not uncommon. Often the will is there, but the tools and the self knowledge is not. But, I often tell couples as long as the commitment and desire is there, then there is always hope. And, although the situation and the marriage is always individual, in order to have some peace and resolution, most people will need to understand some of the reasoning behind the affair. And, they will need to see a good bit of responsibility for this and accountability following it.
Sometimes, all of these things have happened but the uncertainty is still there. In other words, sometimes people do the work as a couple but not as individuals so some of the issues remain. Sometimes, self esteem and guilt linger and can thwart the relationship going forward. This is why I often advice doing a bit of rebuilding both as a couple and as individuals. People who take this two step process are often rewarded with a marriage that is better than the original one.
And, I can not stress how important it is to keep communication open. Very often, people will assume things that just are not true. Wives who have been cheated on assume that the husband doesn't really want or love them and that he's only still in the marriage out of obligation or finances. And, husbands who have cheated will sometimes assume that the wife will never forgive him and will punish him forever.
These type of untrue assumptions can ruin a marriage even when none of the assumptions are actually valid. That's why it's important to say what you really mean and feel even when it feels vulnerable and uncomfortable to do so.
Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to share my journey. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is pretty high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can check it out at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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