A Few Phrases To Keep You Out Of Trouble On Your First Visit To A Russian Sauna

What's a Russian sauna, anyway? Well, the other name of it is "banya"

. It's really a big communal bathhouse with many things to do - in the buff. Well, not these days. But it used to be protocol in the past, that everyone stripped down together, stopped in for a dry steam - then wandered over to the steam room to get their toxins beat out with a stick, before heading to the pool room for a soak and some alcohol.

But things have changed a bit, since then. If you're thinking that a sauna in Russia sounds like a fine idea, you'll do great! You'll still get to experience both dry and wet heat rooms, and the beatings, of course, but you'll be happy to know that the facilities are now "gender" specific, and clothing is now required, instead of optional. So what if you don't speak the language, it's not that big of a deal, is it?

OK, let's say you DO go to a bathhouse, by yourself, while on vacation - and accidentally end up the only girl in a dry heat room full of boys, who can't understand what you're asking them? Or you want to tell the beefy masseuse who's whipping you with that stick, to stop? It's won't be that easy to muddle your way through - not if you're the only person there who doesn't speak Russian AND the one person there who understands English, anyway. Things could get messy.

Although this is something that probably won't ever happen, there are those rare occasions when things like this can come up. So, to save you the humiliation of having people of another country laugh at your attempts at sign language, here are a few phrases and a couple words in the Russian language - both easy to pronounce and extremely "sauna" appropriate" - just in case you ever need them:

The "waking up to a surprise" situation - You've dozed off peacefully, by yourself, in the dry sauna. Suddenly you awake to the sound of male voices speaking in Russian, and you can tell the only subject they're discussing is you - and your bikini. You need a towel to cover yourself so you can escape to the peacefulness of being beaten by a birch stick, but you don't know where to get one. Your arm movements aren't getting you anywhere - and the men just keep shrugging, laughing, and staring. How do you get your message across? With the Russian word for "towel", pronounced Pa-la-T-YENT-se. The men suddenly understand and get you one! The next words you utter gratefully are Bol-shoe-spasi-bo - or Thank You!

The "Enough with the stick!" situation - So you made it out of the dry sauna with your towel, and have now decided that you're about done with the stick treatment, as well - impurities or not. You can tell by the blossoms of pain starting near your shoulder, that you might need a hospital in the future. So you say, "Mesto-dlja-invalida, Bol-shoe-spasi-bo", which means, "the place for invalids, thank you", and they'll tell you exactly where to find it!

The "I need a drink" scenario - So if you've made it through to the pool without drowning, then it's time to celebrate your survival skills. You need a drink, or three, to toast the fact that not even appearing nearly naked to a bunch of guys in a tiny room, nor getting beaten with a giant branch could get the better of you. But the problem is, none of the waiters seem to know what you're asking for, no matter how many times you point to people with glasses walking by. This is an easy one, if you like beer - or even if you don't - the word "peeva", followed by "Bol-shoe-spasi-bo", will get a you a cold one with a "you're welcome" in Russian. Since this has been a wreck of a day to begin with, maybe you should order two at once, to be on the safe side

Hopefully, you'll never find the need to use those phrases. But if you ever find yourself at a Russian sauna, surrounded by people who don't understand your gibberish, then you have a few ways out of trouble!

by: Michelle Brinks

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