Abusive Relationships - Making You The Problem In Your Abusive Relationship During Your Divorce

Battered women and abused men are accustomed to being the scapegoat for the problems in their abusive relationships

. They are routinely told:

- "It's your fault, you made me do it, say it, etc.,"

- "If you weren't so ________, it wouldn't have happened."

- And oh yes, remember this one: "None of this ever happened anyway...It's all in your head, crazy-psycho."

Let's face it, "being the problem" goes hand-in-hand with being in an abusive relationship. It's what the perpetrator wants you to believe and it's also what you have bought into believing. It's part of the ugly glue that binds the abusive relationship.

Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows this well. So then why do you suppose that when someone goes to the system to seek remedy for domestic violence, they would get anything other than what they've been bombarded with all along?

You as the Problem from Home to Court

From the moment the police come to your door to the pits of the divorce court lion's den, your abusive partner will seek to make you the problem. That's what batterers do.

The only difference is that instead of telling you that you are the problem, he/she is telling this to all those who make decisions that influence your life, including but not limited to, the judicial and healthcare folks.

So please come out of your shock over the fact that he/she is trying to make you the bad guy, or the crazy one, or the liar. It's part of what's been there all along.

Shining the Light on the Real Problem

Then you ask yourself, "Why don't those in the system get it straight and realize that you are the victim and your spouse is merely externalizing blame for the marital skeletons?"

Unfortunately, the job of the people in the system is not to "get it;" rather it's to get it done. And far too often they are given false abuse allegations and may not have the training to decipher the authentic from the unrealespecially when it comes to intimate partner violence and child abuse.

If you are in divorce court with a batterer and you know you are not being heard, seek to find someone who can professionally represent your truth to those making important decisions. This will undoubtedly help you shine the light on the real problem and aid in offsetting your being made the problem.

by: Dr Jeanne King PhD

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