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You Can Have a Bad Date
You Can Have a Bad Date
Dont let an unexpected change in the momentum of the courtship unsettle you. After several promising dates, it isnt uncommon to have a bad date, or a difficult phone conversation, or be hit with feelings of uncertainty. Your mood on a date or your reaction to a telephone call can be affected by other things going on in your life a cold coming on, pressure at work, a family emergency, even the stress of upcoming Yomim Tovim. Remember that the quality of a relationship isnt reflected in how you feel at a particular moment in time. Rather, its evidenced by how the courtship develops over a period of time.
Building Emotional Intimacy
As a man and woman continue to go out, they should begin to feel a change in their attitude toward each other. They gradually feel more comfortable when they are together and when they speak on the telephone, and look forward to and enjoy sharing time together. As they develop a shared history, they start to be concerned for each other's welfare and feel affection toward each other. Two people who seem to get along very well from the first date will get to this stage much faster than the couple who first feels lukewarm toward each other but begins to like each other after three or four dates. Frankly, it doesn't matter if two people are on the "fast track" or if they are moving at a slow but steady pace. What matters is the end result they develop what we call "emotional intimacy."
Whats Emotional Intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is a vital quality for every happy and enduring marriage, and we believe that it is important for couples to develop this aspect of their relationship while they are dating. But, what is emotional intimacy? It is a feeling of deep friendship and mutual caring, much as two very good friends of the same gender might have, but on deeper level. A man and a woman who have a strong emotional connection will want to discuss all sorts of subjects with each other, whether it is something funny or interesting that just occurred, a distressing experience, or their deepest thoughts and feelings. They can comfortably talk about such a wide range of mundane and in-depth topics because they feel "safe" disclosing almost anything to each other.
Someone who shares emotional intimacy can reveal a vulnerability to their partner and feel secure that it won't be turned against them. They know that the other person wants the best for them, and the feeling is mutual. They look forward to doing nice things for each other and often can't wait to see the other person's expression when they open an unexpected gift or are at the receiving end of a kind gesture. If a crisis hits, or if they are upset, the first person they will turn to for emotional support is their partner in emotional intimacy.
When Ari and Dalia walked by a gift shop one evening, she pointed out a beaded necklace in a window display and commented how beautiful the beads were. Since Ari was an occupational therapist who often used crafts to help his clients with motor skills, he had occasion to frequent a do-it-yourself craft store that sold many types of interesting beads. He decided to search for some special beads that Dalia would like, and surprised her with a beautiful necklace that he made for her.
How Does it Develop?
How does a couple get to this point? The key word is "time". Emotional intimacy takes time to develop. Two people who sense an instant connection on their first date and feel like they have known each other all of their lives don't have emotional intimacy. They may be able to relate to each other very easily, but they haven't developed enough of a history together to be able to rely on each other's past behavior to anticipate future behavior. They won't be willing to turn to each other in a crisis, trust the other person with an embarrassing secret (or hear the secret), or ask them to go out of their way to help them with something they can't do on their own. These actions require mutual trust and a willingness to rely on each other and be relied upon, all of which have to evolve over a period of time.
The evolution takes place as a couple shares experiences, thoughts, feelings and ideas, and gradually reveals information to each other that they consider to be very personal in nature. There are some people who find it difficult to relax and converse freely with the person theyre dating, and this can keep them from moving from a superficial level of courtship to an emotionally close relationship. We often recommend that people who have trouble opening up ask a good friend or a dating coach for help. Together, they can think of interesting subjects to talk about and ways to lead into more personal topics of conversation. They can also "role play" dating conversation, which often helps the person with difficulty feel more comfortable when they are out with their dating partner. Other times, we have suggested that someone who is uncomfortable opening up to a person they have been dating and have started to like can ease into a deeper level of conversation by confiding that it is hard for them to talk about personal subjects.
Emotional intimacy doesn't develop in a few dates that's just a warm-up period. Through our many years of working with dating couples, we have learned that most couples need a minimum of six weeks of seeing each other twice a week, and telephoning each other in between dates, to truly solidify their relationship. We understand that many rabonim encourage couples to make a decision about engagement after fewer dates, but we continue to feel that most couples who are very focused on moving toward marriage do best by solidifying their emotional connection before they become engaged. A less focused couple, as well as someone who has trouble "opening up" to their dating partner, usually needs an additional period of time to develop the level of emotional intimacy that they should bring with them to marriage.
The emotional closeness that a couple develops while they are dating is just a prelude to the future. It can develop to a certain point, but it is only after a man and woman begin to share the ups and downs of life as a married couple that they realize how emotionally close two people can become. At what point should a man and woman feel secure enough about their relationship to take that leap of faith to become engaged?
by: David Greenberg
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