Christmas Day Inside the Complex Family
Christmas Day Inside the Complex Family
Christmas Day Inside the Complex Family
A family whose structure holds the traditional picture sometimes find it difficult to juggle between commitments on Christmas Day, so no doubt a Complex Family has even more fun!
Often charged with emotions, expectations and memories of things going wrong, we get a knot in our stomach just thinking about planning for Christmas Day. The shattered illusion of our childhood fantasy "happily ever after" has come crashing around us and Christmas is one of those days we often want to just pretend it's all better allowing our kids to experience magic once more!
Many around the world have experienced one of those memorable Christmas Days - those are the one's where we taxi from one place to the other brimming with food, drinks and presents. Welcomed with hugs and peels of delights, it quickly transports us into the most sumptuous meal carefully and lovingly prepared by all. Amongst the hilarity and joy, we follow with our arms up to elbows, in hot soapy kitchen sinks while we clear away the evidence of great family Christmas Dinner. Drawing breath after over-eating and being spoilt with gifts, we hurry off to our next relatives retreat, to repeat it all again. Large families all around the globe juggle this sort of Christmas Day, where family time tables are carefully managed.
Added the complication of our Complex Family, where children are placed between already stretched family demands, and we ask ourselves, how do we deal with this? This is one area where our family has tried many options over the decade since divorce and some years seem to flow far more smoothly than others but none-the-less, our attempts have all been admirable.
Being courageous about our divorce and totally focused on the welfare of the children we have tried many arrangements for Christmas Day. Now we have settled into a fairly good routine - year about for Christmas Eve/morning and the rest depending on family commitments. Naturally as far-traveling relatives join home-bound families for such events, there is a little bending and flexing which goes on to make it work. Still this is not without it's pangs of frustration, emotional moments and other normal feelings. These, I suppose, remind us that we have to continually work on our on-going commitment beyond our marriage.
Having done the Christmas morning where dad and step-mum would come down early to be with us opening presents, we say "No Thanks" to this again. It was okay, but not a great success given the vast differences in styles, and it was more difficult than pleasurable. Everyone was keeping up the appearances for the kids sake but really, what for? We just did not need to keep doing things like this to ourselves. We have had the children swapping between the two families several times throughout the day, and I've had those quiet ones where I would awake and prepare only to see the children for a fantastic Christmas Dinner.
The key learnings for me throughout the Christmas period was having to focus on long-term memory building. The energy-sapping rushing around on the day is often not remembered by children if it is in the festive bustle since they are caught up in the atmosphere of the day. Provided it is as magical as we can make it, then this is what they carry with them. If we resent clock-watching, compare presents, or pass negative comments, Christmas will become an event children would rather avoid.
Instead of adding pressure by focusing on getting the day right, we build towards Christmas and have experiences along the month of December which add to the specialness of the celebration rather than just the one-off event. My kids are teens and we all still enjoy our hand-made Advent Calendars. They enjoy the rituals of decorating the house, inside and out, and as they are older, the more they want to be involved. They get excited about doing their part with the tree, completing our little ritual of buying one new decoration each annually. It's not an expensive thing, it's a simple joy that every year as we drag all the boxes out to decorate, they remember some very special years together.
The gifts seem to be too often the focus and certainly, let's face it, it's a kid's memory! Regardless of the number of gifts, or the cost of the gifts, it is the anticipation and the sheer pleasure of everyone giving and receiving at the same moment that seems to make Christmas Day one of the most special days in the year. The sharing of gifts is treasured between us all, and as parents, we attempt to instill principles of gratefulness and giving. To do this it's best to keep it simple. Highlight the joy you receive in watching someone opening the gift you have given them and the sheer delight when you watch their face light up.
When considering all the tension that usually this day creates, remember Christmas Day itself is a celebration of the years love and respect towards each other - it is not a destination point. There is a lot of focus given and if we can re-focus our energy into what is ultimately important to our family for this season, we avoid getting through the day' and instead we relish in all the comings and goings. Christmas to us is a way to celebrate another year and show the importance our family or close friends have in our lives and it's not about trying to get it right, while trying to become the new entertaining legends. It's about the atmosphere, the love, the laughter, while putting the difficult patches the year held behind us.
So, If I am having one of those quiet days, I choose to look at the upside - after all, there is something wonderfully relaxing about not having to cook, clean and entertain all day. Make the celebration something simple and meaningful while remembering to always count our blessings, giving thanks for the smallest of things working.
Christmas, although it can be stressful inside the Complex Family, it doesn't have to be. The demands of who has who when, are greatly helped when you plan well in advance - and then remain totally flexible. Last minute things always happen and after all, our attitude to the season is what makes or breaks the day, so look at what you can put in during the first three weeks of December to make a difference for your family. When I did this, it took the pressure off a day and saw us enjoy the magic of the season, almost as much as the kids.
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