Divorce Is Hard On Extended Families, Too

Divorce Is Hard On Extended Families, Too

Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille UttermohlenIt is well known that divorce is hard. The couple can feel anger, sadness, disappointment, and even embarrassment. This is so true that it is a cliche.What we don't discuss often, and maybe we should, is the effect that divorce has on extended family. The pain caused by the divorce to grandparents, aunts and uncles is not obvious. It isn't as intense as it is for the principle parties, either. However, extended family members can be treated to some of the couple's problems when family events turn into child possession wars.When special occasions arise, arrangements for the child's attendance often have to be made with an uncooperative, hostile ex-spouse. Too often, the children cannot join the family because:1. The noncustodial parent's visitation normally takes place when the family event is scheduled. If you only get to see your kids for 2 weekends a month, you might not be inclined to give up, or even postpone your time with them. This is especially true if the custodial parent is in the habit of making plans with the child during the other parent's visitation time, or has been less than generous when the other parent has asked for concessions.2. Any good will the other parent had towards the family has been used up. It is easier to find it in one's heart to be generous to someone who has stayed neutral during the divorce. If Grandma maintains a cordial attitude towards the ex-spouse, she will be much more likely to cooperate with grandma's requests for the child's time. If, however, Grandma made it clear that she blames everything that went wrong on the ex-spouse, and treats him accordingly, it is less likely that the ex-spouse will be inclined to go out of his way to honor a special request from gramma.When the ex makes the extended family work too hard for a relationship with the child, they often give up trying. Unfortunately, the child is the one who suffers because he is denied participation in what should be a positive part of his existence. Even when the child is old enough to make his own decisions, the chance to form bonds may have passed, and what could have been close enduring relationships are no longer available.I have made wills for people who exclude children of ex-spouses because they never got to know and bond with the child. The child grows up thinking her extended family doesn't care, and the extended family learns not to have the child in their lives. Sadly, the normal bonds are severed, not by any desire or action on the child's part, but because the adults in charge of his rearing were too short sighted to recognize that their fights weren't necessarily his.There are things relatives can do to keep the child active in the family. For one thing, staying out of the divorce will help. Unless the child is in danger, there is little you can say that can help the judge decide child custody. Since you are related to one of the parties, your statements are more likely to seem tainted and colored by your love for the spouse who is related. If you have to testify because you were subpoenaed, don't demonize the other parent. The judge won't care that you dislike your soon to be ex-in-law, but the ex will, and is more likely to influence the child against you if you have been unkind or hostile on the stand.Don't use visits with the child as an opportunity to tell her what a jerk either of her parents happen to be. Even if you are complaining to another adult, chances are that the children will hear what you are saying, and report it back to the custodial parent. Since the custodian is only human, putting him down, or enumerating his faults is only going to convince him that you are a bad influence on the child.Members of extended families do not have visitation rights. Their contact with the child is totally dependent on their bond with the child's parents. The court will give the non-custodial parent times and places to be in the child's life. The custodial parent will be more inclined to be flexible and generous with the child's time if the person asking has been fair and not been a hostile presence in the divorce proceedings. In short, the best way to keep a good relationship when your grandchild, niece or nephew's parents are divorcing is to keep a polite tongue in your head, and stay out of the fight. .

POST COMMENT

Getting A Best Houston Divorce Attorney Help with Separation and Divorce Stop Your Divorce: 3 Ways To Do It A Dedicated, COMPASSIONATE, AND PERSONABLE DIVORCE ATTORNEY Five Steps to Surviving Divorce For the Over 50 Want a Free Divorce Records? The Top Ten Most Common Reasons People Get Divorced Two Ways to a Cheap Uncontested Divorce Consequences of a Divorce Defining Divorce What is "Fault" in a Divorce? What to Bring When Meeting a Divorce Attorney Brief Lines About Uncontested Divorce Miami