Divorce: Starting Over, Lesson Learned
A marriage can't be saved unless both members of the couple are dedicated to its success
. If one feels the partnership can't be salviged, it can't be. That hurts. However, even if your current spouse can't forgive what you did, you can learn from your mistakes and have a better future.
It is far too easy to let the judgments of other people decide how you accept life's set backs. When your spouse no longer wants you in his / her life, it is a harsh judgment, and you may be inclined to punish yourself accordingly. Your friends and family, too may show their disappointment in you, adding to your guilt and depression.
Of course, while it is true that it takes two to keep a marriage healthy, it is also true that only two can tear it apart. No matter why your spouse wants to end it, what you did probably wasn't the only thing that damaged your love.
If you did something wrong, like have an affair, you still deserve a second
chance at happiness. Happily married people don't stray as readily as people
who aren't getting what they need from their union. This isn't to say that infidelity
is the answer. . It isn't. However, an affair isn't as likely to be tempting to someone whose home life is satisfying.
All humans make mistakes. No one can go through life without regrets. When we screw up, in a big way, it is even harder to forgive ourselves.
The best way to learn from your past is to accept what you did wrong. You know you shouldn't have cheated on your spouse, or spent the rent money on gambling. You also know that your spouse has reason to be angry enough to leave you. Once trust is lost, it is very difficult to regain.
Hopefully, you now understand what you did wrong. You deeply regret doing it.
Your friends and family have been helpful in reminding you of the mistakes you've made. You've chewed yourself out, and wondered why you weren't struck by lightening as you tossed and turned in bed.
As sad as the end of your marriage may be, guilt feelings and regrets aren't going to make it better. If you lied to your spouse, spent too much on the credit cards, or did anything which eventually led to the break-up, you should learn from your mistakes. Your spouse has every right to be angry with you for wrongdoing. Only he / she can decide if your action is a deal breaker. We all have choices to make, and only the effected person can decide what they can or can't accept in their own lives.
Forgiving yourself is still something you need to do. You can't change the past
but the future is a blank slate and you can use it to put yourself on the right path.
Your current spouse may not be able to join in forgiving you. He / she may never
trust you again. But, you can learn to trust yourself if you learn from your actions. You can treat your next relationship with more respect, and hopefully avoid the pain you caused in the first one. . Sometimes, that is the best we humans can do.
Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen
by: Lucille Uttermohlen
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