Facing Harsh Criticism
The ending of a relationship is generally a fraught time
, often as much for the person choosing to make the break as for the person being broken up at. Maybe hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but a woman scorning can often run her a close second, and even though we guys may (stereotypically, in the least) approach these things with unique methods, it's probably fair to say that we're all able of letting out words that would make us cringe if we said them in easier situations.
Now I have on no account met Donald; for all I know he may be the perfect gentleman. However, suffice to say that's not how he seemed in KS's map of the world - I was knowing what she told me on this occasion was, well, intended (is that the right word, though?) to be extremely critical.
So how did this quote get its place in the sun? Where's the learning? Well, fortunately for me, even though the ending of the relationship came as a big and repulsive surprise, I was 100% certain that I wasn't abusive. And so I set about producing a translation of KS's words, and what I could come up with was this:
I'd hoped that this relationship was going to be truly amazing
I now consider it isn't, that is why I'm confused and, naturally, disappointed
Of my two earlier major relationships, one was signified by boredom, the other by abuse, and there's no way I am able to see you as boring!
Thus my unconscious map of what failing relationships are like implications you must fall into the other category
And as I am feeling puzzled and disappointed (see above), I hurt
Lots
Hence I am scared I currently don't have the resources to look for a third option
Normal service will be resumed as quickly as possible
Now of course I did not impress this translation on KS (for the reason that flying crockery hurts!), but it made it easier for me to negotiate her, and my, feelings at the end of the relationship without including an additional emotional load to the process.
Yet despite the good fortune of being in a space in this time where I could deal with this apparently harsh criticism quite proficiently, the circumstances set me thinking. How many times had I been confronted with words, often just as brief and so often significantly less directly critical, that I had taken quite personally, resulting in a toxic cocktail of anger, self-pity, confusion and/or self-recrimination? And how much fallout had I lived with in consequence? It was a very frightening thought.
So I determined:
Always translate.
And do it ingeniously.
Give the speaker the benefit of the doubt, for their sake, yes, and - particularly - for the sake of my own present and future happiness.
by: Erik Teichmann
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