Fear of change, Fear of acceptance
Fear of change, Fear of acceptance
Fear of change, Fear of acceptance
26-year-old Jonathan Bolger developed a painfully shy and awkwardly sociable persona. He spent most of his time hiding away from the world. The only time he would venture outside was to collect his social security on a Wednesday afternoon.
Still living with his parents in their semi-detached three bedroom house, he felt his life was meaningless and had even contemplated ending his suffering on more than one occasion.
His parents knew he had developed self-esteem issues, but had no idea how to tackle their sons plight. Every time they would bring the matter up, Jonathan would react angrily, shouting and screaming to just leave him alone and let him be.
Often, his sister Carla would drop by with her daughter Emily for a visit. She loathed that her brother spent so much time up in his room and suggested to her parents on many occasions to just throw him out onto the streets and force him to stand on his own two feet.
Of course her parents would never contemplate such drastic measures for their only son, but Carla believed he was nothing more than a useless layabout who needed to grow up and take responsibility for his own life. She never showed any empathy towards him, and felt he was an embarrassment to herself and her parents.
Up in his room, he would hear them argue every time his sister came to visit, which made him feel even more worthless. He cried when he thought about his situation and would give anything to be able to conquer his fears, but the pull was far too strong for him to take action towards seeking help.
He felt his life was a burden to the people he loved, and believed his sister Carla hated him for being so weak.
The truth is, Jonathan wasn't always this way. A couple of years back, on his way to the local supermarket, he felt a sudden rush of panic wash over him for no apparent reason. His whole body began to shut down as a wave of dread and fear pulsated throughout his system. He felt isolated and shut off from everything around him, but rather than facing what he was experiencing, he ran home and locked himself in his room. Since then, the only time he goes outside is when his mother accompanies him to the social security office to collect his weekly benefit.
One Wednesday afternoon whilst Carla and Emily where downstairs in the kitchen, Jonathan walked in looking for his mother, but she had not returned from an appointment she had at the local dentist. Carla sternly suggested he go down to collect his social security on his own for a change, and to stop his childish dependence on his mother. Slightly embarrassed, Jonathan retorted,
"I'll just wait until she gets home, the offices doesn't shut for another hour."
Carla laughed, and snapped back,
"what's your problem Jonathan, you used to be so outgoing, now you're just a waster. You're 26 years old for god sake, you need to get a grip and stop this childish nonsense."
Jonathan sheepishly looked at his sister before turning and making his way back up the stairs to his room. Before he got to the landing on the stairwell, his sister called out to him,
"hey Jonathan, get your coat on, I'll walk down with you to collect your unemployment benefits."
That was the last thing he wanted to hear, he only felt comfortable being outside with his mother, besides, knowing Carla, she would most likely run off and leave him before they made it back to the house.
"it's okay Carla, he shouted down, I'll just wait for mum to get back."
Carla walked out to the hall, stood at the end of the stairs, looked up at him and said,
"get your bloody coat on Jonathan, mum won't be back for a while yet, and the last thing she needs when she gets back is to take another trip down the road with your sorry ass."
Against his better judgment, Jonathan agreed. He felt he had no choice in the matter, his sister already had a low opinion of him and he didn't want to push her further out of his life.
Walking nervously down the street with Carla and her daughter Emily, he felt incredibly uncomfortable and began to panic. He clenched his fists, turned and asked her to walk back with him to the house. Carla let go of her daughter's hand, grabbed him firmly by the shoulders and screamed, "what the hell is wrong with you Jonathan, I hate the person you've become."
Jonathan's face turned bright red, he started to cry as he apologized for being such a letdown. About to turn and run home, he looked over Carla's shoulder and saw Emily dart out onto the street. Without thinking, he pushed Carla out-of-the-way, ran towards Emily and pushed her clear of an oncoming lorry.
Carla ran to pick her unharmed daughter up off the ground and turned to look at Jonathan. He was laying still in front of the lorry, blood streaming from his ears, nose and mouth. Slowly, she bent down, put her hand onto her brothers face and cried...
"I'm so sorry Jonathan, I'm sorry for everything, I love you so much, I love you so so much" but it was too late.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Take care and have a wonderful day.
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