Getting A Husband To See That Emotional Cheating Is Still Cheating
Every week, it seems that I get more and more emails about emotional infidelity
. Perhaps nothing physical has happened (or so they claim,) but knowing that your husband is connecting on a deep and emotional level for someone else is sometimes every bit as painful as actual physical cheating. Compounding the problem is often the fact that the man just don't understand why this is such a huge problem to you. Because in his mind, he has not cheated. He's just talking with or is friends with a coworker or female acquaintance. However, this is not how you see it, right? Friends are one thing, but in your mind this rises above the level of mere friends. You can feel the difference in your gut and you see the changes in him when he speaks of her or if she is spoken of.
You very much want this behavior to stop, but you don't want to anger your man or push him more toward her. This is a tough call, but Ido not feel that you should turn a blind eye to it. If it's troubling to you, then you should speak up and come up with a livable solution for both of you. I'll discuss this more in the following article.
Making Him See That The Emotional Infidelity Is A Serious Betrayal To You:Your first step needs to be to get him to take your concerns seriously. Many women think that his assertions of "she's just a friend," or "there's nothing going on here," to be just him trying to throw you off the trail. Sometimes though, he really does believe this. Men are just not as emotional thinkers as women sometimes are. You will sometimes need to break this down for him. You might want to describe a scenario in which the roles are reversed. Would he really embrace your being so close to another man whether this was only a "friend" or not?
I've even had women put their male friends on Facebook or to begin making an effort to make their male friends more visible to "show him how this feels."This actually sometimes works, but sometimes it backfires. You really have to take your man's personality into account when you attempt things like this. And honestly, I think that you should only resort to this when you've first make every attempt to make him understand in other ways.
You really have to clearly make two pointsas follows.First, you want him to know that you love him and you want to feel his emotional needs and have him feel yours. And second, it hurts you that someone else is fulfilling these emotional needs with him and you see this as him preferring her to you. Be warned though, that even if he is hearing you, his first inclination is going to be to tell you that he is not getting his emotional needs met by her and that they are just friends. Then, he is often going to tell you that he absolutely does not prefer her to you.
This is where you have to come to an agreement. You have to just ask him to do this for you because you are his wife / girlfriend/ significant other, or whatever. You are asking him to make this concession and compromise because he loves you and values your happiness. You'll often hear something like "so you're asking me to chose between you or her." Try to reposition this if you can. Tell him that you are asking him to put your relationship first and insist that you would do the same.
Understanding Why Men Have Emotional Affairs Or Emotional Connections With Others: Men hate the term "emotional affair" because they very rarely feel that they are cheating. Women will often ask me why in the world he needs to confide in someone else when you're there willing to listen and to give him whatever he needs.
The answer to this often lies in him wanting you to see him in a certain way and worrying that "letting you in" is going to diminish or damage the way that you see him. This is why men sometimes want to confide in another woman. They want a female point of view. They may long for female nurturing on something that their male friends just would not understand. And, they don't want to show you a different or vulnerable side of themselves.
They often see her as sort of a neutral third party who isn't going to hold what he says against him. It doesn't matter as muchif she sees him as vulnerable or needy or even "weak" since she isn't his wife. Sometimes, it's appealing to him that someone sees him in another way than you do. Perhaps he feels that he can be more of his authentic self with her as his role with you is somewhat different or already defined.
It's important that you understand this. Because in order for him to feel free to be emotionally connected to only you, then you need to make sure that you are compatible with doing this. You should make sure that you're there for him without judgment. He needs to know that you aren't going to change the way that you feel about or view him. And, you need to be very approachable and easy going about this.
Making Sure That You're His Safe Place: At the end of the day, your real goal is to make yourself his safe place to fall or his preferred go to person. And you have to see that this really has more to do with you and him than it does with him and her. Once you have your say about this, then you should not continue to dwell on it. You really don't want to continue to draw his attention back to her all of the time. You want his attention on you. So, you should do whatever you can to strengthen your relationship on every level. Because when you are firing on all cylinders, it's much more likely that you will be his go to person for all his needs, including the emotional ones.
Being very honest about what I needed and expected after my husband's infidelity was sometimes difficult. It took work and patience, but it was so worth it. I now understand myself, my husband, our marriage, and our intimacy on a much deeper level and I no longer worry that he will stray again. You can reada
very personal story on my blog at
http://surviving-the-affair.com Getting A Husband To See That Emotional Cheating Is Still Cheating
By: Katie Lersch
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