Getting over the break-up
Getting over the break-up
Getting over the break-up
Breaking-up is not an easy situation to deal with for either of the two partners. My aim with this article is to advise those of us who have had to deal with this at some point in our lives or are considering such a decision in the near future. The aim of this article is to create an aweareness of the dynamics that one can anticipate experiencing during a break-up process.
There is no right or wrong time to break-up. The best way to decide when to break-up with a partner is to do it the moment you feel this way. The reason for that is the longer you leave it and hide it inside the harder it becomes to actually do it. You will be faced with situations where hiding it from your partner becomes harder and harder. They will start sensing the change in your energy and loss of connection as you begin to make yourself feel more and more uncomfortable and alienate yourself from them in bed and when they want to kiss you. If the relationship was long enough especially more than 5 years then you will only be fooling yourself if you think they will not suspect you of your thoughts. Your partner will begin to become frustrated as they will sense a loss of value in your life.
When an individual becomes frustrated, they then also become volatile. This means they may start going through a number of differented states of being such as: get offended by things you say, more spontaneous with their actions or behaviour, change in behaviours soicially and while on their own, spending more time with friends after work, spending more time infront of the computer, talking about changing their career or studying further but not doing anything about it, the list goes on. They will know something is up by the time you actually confront them. The way they react to your energy (in certain instances) may even help you make your decision sooner as you will soon want to start avoiding them.
The person who decides the break-up goes through a large amount of guilt-related emotions because they have to be the one who carries the message. They wonder what their partner's family is going to think, they wonder how their partner is going to react, and most of all, they wonder if this is really the right thing to do. Until you finally make the decision or actually commit to the break-up, you are still trying to anticipate the experience. Looking back and trying to figure it all out is not the answer. Being in a state of mind that presents you with a choice as large as this, is far more connected with the real you than any memory you have with this partner.
If your entire body is telling you to make a change as large as this then you will also be foolish not to listen to it. Your partner, being either good and caring towards you or bad and abusive, has triggered a set of emotions within you that lead you to this state of mind. Somehting about this person and the relationship you had with them has brought you to a point of change. You need to react and follow your intuition no matter how much you are worried about hurting your partner. I will continue with more on the person who commits the break-up further on.
If you are reading this and your heart was broken, and you had to witness your partner tell you they are not in love with you anymore, then this is just the right information for you. Firstly, the words they use are only tools that assist them on getting the job done. Do not think for one second that leaving you is not ripping the insides from that person. They are eating themselves up when they are alone because they know they cannot just run back to you now that they have crossed such a special line. They will feel like they are being frowned upon by most of the family, especially her family members that had a very good bond with you.
They will look at photographs of the two of you just like you are doing, they will be visiting your facebook page just like you are doing to them. They will not bring it up with their friends too much because they need to maintain a confident appearance of an individual who is happy with where they are. Even though they may cry openly in the early stages of the break-up they will not say anything that makes them seem indicisive because its just too early for that.They may also not cut you out immediately and may even be willing to answer some of your desperate questions of why this is so.
But remember: No begging!! No crying at their feetapologizing!! You are worth so much more than that. It is often thought that if one partner feels that much at a loss for losing their partner then its probably the best thing that can happen. Why would you want someone to have so much power over you that when they leave you in the mud you need to beg them to stay? You know deep inside that it should be the other way around so now is the opportunity for you to grow into that stronger person.
It is only a matter of time before neither of you see the point of having communication after the break-up. Thanks to having a history with this person both of you are beginning to create expectations about the other. Because you assume you know them very well, you begin to assume what they are thinking or feeling. You may be wondering if they are having second thoughts, or if they would maybe sleep with you one last time, or if there is a chance at showing them how understanding you can be. On the other hand they may be wondering how long its going to take you to start leaving them alone, or hoping you aren't waiting for an opportunity to beg for them back, or even wondering if you are going to do something nasty to get revenge.
If you have pets or more difficult is kids together then there will most definately be further hurt for both of you while trying to finalise the ownership of such. I always say let the mother have the benefit of the doubt, unless there is another reasonable factor example: if the mother is not capable of being the ideal parent. You obviously dont want to lose everything as a product of the break-up so try and play nicely to each other during sorting this mess out. Try not to not lead to drastic decisions ordered by the court of law. Even if you have to say goodbye for a couple of months to let the dust settle it will still be better to see them again later than not ever again at all.
A good way of helping you get through a break-up (for both the partners) is to immediately remove items that remind you of them. You dont need to throw anything away, just put it in a bag or box and into a storage place. Go onto facebook and other social profiles and de-tag yourself from photos where you are seen together. This is not deleting them, just removing you as an association. Your pictures of you will then not include any of your partner, only when you look at the albums will you see them. You need to make sure you stay clean, have a hair-cut, brush your teeth, wear your nicer clothes especially the ones that require a bit of effort. Get a new facial cream or cologne/perfume that will make you feel like a new person when you get dressed.
By looking after yourself you will automatically begin a whole new process of healing yourself. You will seem attractive to a lot of people you meet (even if that is not at all what you want right now). You must smile, get out into the sun, play with your pets, go for a run or to the gym, cook a new meal from a cookbook. Do something new everyday. Go and read the bookconversationwith God by Neale Donald Walsch for a good perspective on where to go from here, and other good reads are the Secret and also The Power.
This is not to say that you may not be sad too.In fact, feeling your emotions will be one of the most important parts of healing yourself. You need to feel the pain which has been caused to you and let it out. You can look at thememorabiliaof your partner and cry your heart out. Its amazing how much better you will feel. Always remember to put the items which remind you ofyourpartner back into storage. And don't feel guilty to poor yourself a glass of wine now and then,evenif you end up finishing the bottle.. The point is to stay in control and adopt a new lifestyle that looks after you and lets you be both proud when you want to and sad when you need to.
You are only human. Like you, I too went through a break-up where my partner of 8 years left me with nothing. After recently spending a lot of money on our newly aquired house, and after an amazing Christmas holiday, my partner told me that they are not in-love with me anymore and that we needed to seperate. I too wasdevastated. Everything I lived for over the last 8 years was now no-longer mine to live for. I felt as though I had wasted my life. But through a tramendous amount of reading, as well as spending a great amount of time with relationship advsiors, psychologists and not to forget my friends, I soon started to see a whole new picture imerge.
I started to see how miserable my ex had become, still moving from one partner to the next and how they also ended family relations with members of their own family that were fond of me. I started to see how much I had grown and how many people had come to appreciate me. It is amazing how manypeoplewere so glad about my break-up because they had the chance to meet and befriend me where as I could have been stuck in a relationship with someone who was not sure of what they wanted.
I started to see how valuable life really is and how much I had learned about myself and about this new life that i was so limited from before while being with my ex-partner. You start to have different kinds of relationships with other people and meet new people all the time. You don't feel so stressed about making a career move anymore, or furthering your studies, or moving home... why? Because you are single and you realise now that you may have thought you were happy before, but you were not free and now thanks to them, you are as free as a bird.
Use this opportunity to work on yourself and build your true character. Do what ever you feel as long as you incorporate some sort of positive change. If you decide to cointinue with the exact life you had before you will soon find that old enviromnent will not look after you anymore because you are supposed to be moving on with your life. You are supposed to see something else truly spectacular before your time comes to say good bye forever. We are all here living out a truly unique experience.
Do not for one second lose faith in the life you have right now. This is the life you chose a long time ago. Through this life you decided to come and learn to become a higher and wiser being than what you were before so rise up and take the bull by the horns! Once you teach yourself a new lifestyle and you conquer the break-up and all the changes, you will be stronger and wiser than ever before and then lifetruly will be worth living for. You'll see!
Take Care.
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