Have I Done Everything I Can To Save My Marriage?
I often tell people who ask me "when is it time to end a marriage" that this occurs
when you know that you've done everything in your power to save it but have still come up short despite your best efforts. The other day, Ihad someone ask me "well, when you get to the point where you know that you've done everything that you could?" In other words, will you automatically know when you have reached this place? My answer is that if you are asking the question, then perhaps you are not yet there.
Generally speaking, when people have reached the point where they have done everything possible to save their marriage, they know it and are at peace with it. They are generally able to walk away with out second guesses or questions because they know that they've left nothing on the table. If you suspect that you aren't "there" yet, but you don't know what else can be tried, this article is for you. I'll go over some things that perhaps you have not considered in the hopes that you might try this from one more angle.
Could You Be Working Too Hard To Save Your Marriage?: I know that the phrase that you just read might seem to be a huge contradiction. I know that Ioften harp on leaving no stone unturned. However, I also know from first hand experience that sometimes we harp on this process so much that it seems like complete drudgery andyou eventually both come to dread it andthink of it in very negative terms.
Who wants to hear that they are going to have to "work on" something for as long as it takes? This is not something that many of us will look at and think ofas something that's going to a be a whole lot of fun. And, like diets, we're not nearly as likely to be successful at something that we see as less than desirable. If we see our diet as work, not much fun, and full of sacrifice, then the chances are good that we will eventually give up on it.
Your marriage is no different. You want for the pay off of it to be as positive as possible so that you don't have to play mind games with yourself to get you to stick with it or to stay in it. You want to give yourself a regular diet of things to look forward to. So, you want to make sure that you combine the "working" with the playing so that the process is one that you can not only live with, but also look forward to.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't be realistic about your marriage and work on the issues that are problematic. But many people take such a long and drawn out look at what is wrong, that they forget about or even diminish what is right. Like anything else in life, you want to draw on and build upon your strengths and downplay your weaknesses. Yes, you do want to work on these weaknesses and turn them into strengths if you can't, but you don't want to give them more power than they deserve and you certainly don't want to dwell on them so much that they become worse.
Make it a priority to bring some light hearted fun into your marriage. Think about it for a second, when you were "falling in love"and things were so good, how much did you stress the conflict and the problems? Not a lot, right? You set it up so that you could do fun, light hearted things together that bonded you and, if issues came up, you downplayed them as much as you could. This ensured that you became closer and closer.
How many of these light hearted and bonding type activities do you do today? If you are like most people, the answer is not enough. I'm not saying that you should ignore your problems, but you will often have much better results if you focus first on restoring the affection and bond before you try to tackle the deep and difficult issues.
There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at it's end. We had seemingly tried everything from counseling to a trial separation. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle (by focusing on my own time and efforts) and this eventually worked. You can reada
very personal story on my blog at
http://isavedmymarriage.com/ Have I Done Everything I Can To Save My Marriage?
By: Leslie Cane
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