Have You and Your Spouse Become "Excellent Roommates" and You Want More?

By Susie and Otto Collins

By Susie and Otto Collins

Heidi and Ted have been married for almost 10 years now. They live bustling, busy and mostly happy lives together with their three young children. When Heidi is driving their oldest child to and from music lessons, Ted is often coaching their younger two who are sports teams.

In between all of the driving and coaching, Heidi and Ted try to keep up with the house, their jobs and their physical fitness. Every once in awhile they also manage a date night...but this is a rarity.

One evening, after dropping off her daughter at piano lessons, Heidi has a few moments of solitude in her car. She is struck by how disconnected her relationship with Ted has become. Yes, they problem-solve and co-parent wonderfully together, but the excitement, passion and spark has all but died in their marriage.

She feels as if they've become excellent roommates instead of lovers who also happen to be married to one another.

Does it seem to you that your marriage is a series of errands, tasks and schedules? Perhaps you and your spouse get along well and rarely argue. Or, maybe you two do encounter tension and conflicts regularly.

Either way, you may feel as if there is something missing in your marriage. You want to be more than just roommates or co-parents together.

You might wish that you could turn back time and return to those early days of your relationship-- before you had kids and before you were married. Those times may seem so carefree, exciting and alive to you now.

Because you probably treasure your children and many aspects of your current life, it's not only pretty much impossible to literally turn back time, you might not want to lose the valuable life lessons from the past years.

BUT.... you might very much want to re-start the spark in your marriage. You may long to feel weak in the knees and all fluttery in your stomach when your spouse walks in the room or kisses you. You may want more adventure and passion when it comes to lovemaking too.

Recognizing that you and your spouse have become excellent roommates is a vital first step. Instead of making your next step to blame or criticize your partner for all of the ways that you believe he or she has dampened passion, try this...

#1: Remember why you fell in love in the first place.

In your day-to-day lives together, it can be easy to forget all of those attractive qualities that drew you to your mate all of those years ago.

Take some time to reminisce.

Call to mind your favorite memories of the early days of your relationship-- perhaps it's your first kiss or the first time you made love. It may be a memory of the moment that you realized that you love this person.

Rather than focusing in on how you DON'T necessarily feel the same way now, just let yourself remember the feelings. Where in your body did you feel the love, the attraction and the excitement to be together?

After this trip down memory lane, deliberately stay in touch with those feelings. Let yourself bring the passionate feelings into the present day as you are with your partner.

#2: Get excited about who your spouse is (and is becoming).

We are all changing and growing all of the time. In fact, it's when you-- or your spouse-- stops growing that problems tend to arise.

While there are couples who believe that their marriage broke up because they "grew apart," this is not necessarily because of the internal or relationship changes that have occurred. Often, this happens because one person feels threatened by the changes that are perceived.

When you recognize that your partner has changed in some way, encourage yourself to look for the potentially positive aspects of this growth. Perhaps old and limiting habits have been overcome.

Get excited about the personal improvements that your spouse has made. Allow those to carry over to you and to your marriage.

#3: Take a few risks.

Just as individuals can become stagnated in a role or perception of who they are, a relationship can also become just as stuck.

When you and your spouse met and started a relationship, there were risks that you each took. You took a risk when you asked him or her out on a date. You took a risk when you accepted the invitation. You took a risk every time the physical and emotional intimacy deepened and you went along.

These risks-- which were mindfully taken-- helped your relationship to progress.

What are the risks you could take in your marriage today?

It might be that you'd like to share a dream or idea with your partner that you are worried will seem silly or outrageous to him or her. It could be that there is a big move you'd like to make in your career that you fear your spouse will oppose. It could also be that you would like to try something new in the bedroom, but you are embarrassed to suggest it to your mate.

Risks like these can actually bring you and your partner closer together. Even if he or she does not agree with you about something, just you opening up and sharing can connect you on a deeper level.

All of this can help you create a more passionate, spark-filled marriage.

Have You and Your Spouse Become "Excellent Roommates" and You Want More?

By: Susie and Otto Collins

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