He Came Back To Me After Cheating. What Now?

He Came Back To Me After Cheating

He Came Back To Me After Cheating. What Now?

I recently received an email from a wife who had greatly conflicting feelings. She felt a great deal of relief that her husband had returned home after having an affair. But she felt a great deal of confusion and frustration about how she should proceed. She asked me things like "what do I do now? I'm still angry. I'm still confused. But I'm glad he's back. I don't want to handle this incorrectly, but everything is still so fresh."

Without question, there were many issues that needed to be worked through and the wife was reluctant to do this. She felt that things were so fragile and her most persuasive feeling was relief that the husband had come back to her. So, she did not want to do anything that would rock the boat. However, if she did not address her feelings or the doubts and questions that she had, they were going to come out (and probably in a bad way) at some point.

Why The Worst Thing That You Can Do Affair HisCheating Is To Do Nothing And Go Back To The Status Quo: This wife was very tempted to just hope that they could get back to their regular life and their regular marriage. I know that this can be tempting. It's very painful to revisit the affair when so much turmoil was involved. However, if you don't look at the issues that lead up to this, and don't look at the issues that are in your way moving forward, then you will never have the confidence that you're going to need to restore the trust.

I so often see that couples who just try to brush the affair under the rug struggle greatly with moving forward. The lingering resentment, doubt, and vulnerabilities are still there lurking and waiting to run everything off of the rails. And, you deserve better. You deserve a happy marriage if you chose to save it. You deserve to be free of doubt and resentment. And you deserve to put this behind you without having it follow you around and demanding your attention.

The Things That You'll Likely Need To Address Before You Can Really Move Forward: Of course, I would never attempt to speak for you, but what I can do is to tell you what, in my experience, many wives need in order to move on after a husband's affair. You will usually want to understand and uncover just why this happened or what lead up to it. Many wives will resist this. I often hear comments like "what's important is that he's back now. So why go back and dig up the painful past?" The reason to ask some important questions is that you're going to need to know that you have safeguarded your marriage from the things that left it vulnerable. You will need to know that you've removed these things so that you feel sure and confident moving forward.

I can tell you from experience that one of the biggest obstacles standing in your way when trying to save your marriage after the affair is doubt about the marriage and doubt about the trust going forward. If you are always worrying that he's going to cheat again or that he doesn't really want to be with you, then your marriage really can never be whole until you address these worries once and for all.

You will likely also want to know and believe that he is truly sorry and that he is committed to the marriage. If you doubt his love for you, then you might always be looking for indiscretions when they aren't really there. To that end, you can spell out what you need from him and you can encourage him to check in, be very transparent, and considering giving you a lot of affection and reassurance.

Finally, you may want to do whatever is necessary to restore your self esteem and self worth. This is usually the last puzzle piece but it's also very elusive. Honestly, I've seen husbands who have done everything right and have completed all that has been asked. I've seen both people 100% committed to saving the marriage. And yet, I've also seen the whole thing fall apart because the wife just can't believe that he still wants her. She doesn't understand why she believes this, but I have my suspicions. I often believe that it's because the wife doesn't feel love for herself. She suspects that the affair is partly her fault and she takes the short comings that don't really exist onto her own shoulders.

Restoring your self esteem will often greatly diminish if not banish these issues. It's often the step that is ignored but is really one of the most important. If you've done everything else but still just can't seem to recover, this is often where I recommend that you look.

Getting past my husband's affair took a lot of time, hard work and effort, but it was worth it because I now understand him, our marriage, and myself much more intimately. This has strengthened our marriage, and I no longer worry that he is going to cheat again. You can read a very personal story on a blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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