He Cheated And Had An Affair But He's Blaming Me
He Cheated And Had An Affair But He's Blaming Me
I often get emails from wives who are being blamed for their husband's cheating. This can be so unfair and frustrating. Dealing with his cheating is bad enough. Being blamed for it is even worse. It's important for you to keep telling yourself that he was the one who cheated and made the decision to take the action that he did. You are not responsible. No matter what the state of the marriage was, there were other options that he did not take.
But, knowing this and getting him to accept it can be two very different things. And, there are many reasons that a man will try to turn the tables on you in this way. But you don't have to accept this and you can often make him understand and accept your stance. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Why Married Men Who Have Cheated Will Sometimes Try To Shift The Blame Onto Their Wives: Sometimes, when I discuss this situation with people they will respond with something like "well, he's trying to blame her because he's just a heartless jerk." Sometimes, this is true, but other times, the husband is taking this stance as a means to turn the attention away from himself.
Sometimes he's embarrassed. Sometimes he's guilty. Sometimes, he knows that he can't provide you the answers that you really need. So, he'll do whatever he feels just might work in turning the attention and spot light away from himself. He'll attempt to turn it to the most convenient person in the situation the wife.
This doesn't mean that he totally blames you. It usually means that he's just trying to use smoke and mirrors to get this whole thing to go away as quickly as he can manage. Sometimes, he doesn't want to look at the man staring in the mirror back at him and feel the guilt that is deep in his heart. Many times, the wife will have to make it crystal clear that in no way is she to blame for someone else's actions.
Making It Very Clear That You Are Not Going To Take The Blame For His Cheating: When a husband tries to pull this, you're often going to be better off if you cut this off as swiftly as you can. Make it very clear that his attempting to shift the blame is unacceptable and that you're never going to buy it. Make it very clear that one requirement of your working with him to fix things is his taking responsibility for his own actions.
You can even tell him that you are fully aware that he had countless choices and options to deal with his unhappiness or temptations. He could've discussed this with you. He could've sought counseling. He could have asked for some space. He could've removed himself from the situation. But, he didn't. Instead, he chose to move forward and be unfaithful. This is no one else's doing but his own. No one is to blame but him.
It can help to make it clear that your recovery doesn't require score keeping or tallying blame, but for your own well being, you can't allow yourself to take on blame that doesn't belong to you.
Know That Each Person Has Their Own Lessens To Learn Right Now: Although you are in no way to blame for your husband's cheating, there are always lessons that can be learned that will actually strengthen you and help you grow as you move forward. Every one and every marriage has vulnerabilities and places where they can improve. If you can use this to shine a light on them and fix them, then at least some good came out of this.
Don't be afraid to shine a light on issues that can be improved and worked out. This isn't taking the blame. This is using a very bad situation to bring about positive change and awareness. And, doing this work will often help you to have confidence when you're moving on. If you don't challenge and work through these issues, they continue to follow you around, hurt you, or leave you vulnerable. Looking them right in the face and staring them down will usually help you to begin to regain your power.
Maintaining Your Self Esteem: There's a final reason not to take on the blame for his cheating that bears mentioning. If you allow yourself to take responsibility for something that wasn't your fault, you only allow you self esteem to deteriorate even more. Having your husband cheat on you is a huge blow to your self esteem. One of your biggest challenges moving forward is often regaining your self worth. So, don't allow for yourself to have even one more thing to overcome by taking on baggage and guilt that isn't yours to claim.
One step in dealing with your husband's affair is claiming your strength even when you don't feel strong. This took me a while, but eventually I got the hang of it. Although I never would've believe this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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