He Keeps Hinting About A Trial Separation. What Should I Do?

I often hear from wives whose husbands keep hounding them about a trial separation

. In the beginning, the wives will usually attempt to change the subject or to just brush the topic off. They hope that this issue will eventually go away. When it doesn't, they aren't sure what to do. In their mind, separating is going in the direction that they really don't want to go. But on the other hand, it seems that he's not willing to let this issue die down. Clearly, this is something that he seems to really want. So how should you handle this? I'll tell you what I think in the following article.

What A Man Is Often Looking For When He Keeps Asking For A Trial Separation: Women will often think that a man just wants his freedom or wants to test the independent waters when he brings this up. I'll concede that there are probably some men who fit this description, but most tell me that they just want to be able to evaluate things without having to look the person in the face (you) which has brought about the need for these evaluations. They often feel that they can't look at things objectively when they are so close to the situation. They'd like time to clear their heads and they feel that they can't do that at home.

Also, many want to separate because they feel that things are not going to really change and sometimes they hope that it's going to take something very drastic the separation to either spur on real change or to make it evident that nothing is going to change no matter what.

It's important to understand this. If he's really just looking to see if and when things are going to change to his liking, and he wants some quiet and space to clear his head, then it should be evident to you (hopefully) what your goals must be right now. You want to comply with his request for some individual time, and you want to show and not tell him that things actually can improve.

Offering Alternatives To A Trial Separation: I know that it can be really scary to allow him to leave your home. You probably fear that once he does, he may not return. If you have a hard time letting him take this step, you can always offer to allow him the "space" that he wants without this needing to happen. What's to stop you from staying with friends, going on a solo vacation, or taking some time of your own to reflect?

Some people will ask me if they should try to provide some separate time without either of you needing to leave the home. I've seen this work, but often the husband will just see this as your not making any concessions whatsoever. I suppose if you can package this in such a way that he will be receptive to it, then go ahead and try it. But it's very important that you do give him the space that he has asked for. This means laying low and not intruding on the process. I know that this is going to be difficult, but if you don't comply with his request, he's likely going to keep making it because he's always going to wonder what would've happened had this followed its natural course.

I truly believe that the best compromise is for you to take a break for a few days. Surely, there are some friends that you've been wanting to see. In this way, you don't have to worry about him leaving. And you are doing exactly as he asked. He can still have his time to think things through, but you've not worried about him not ever coming back home. In a sense, you're buying yourself a bit more time.

Overcoming His Reservations: Whether he actually leaves the home or not, you have the same thing to overcome. You need to show him that things can improve for the better and not just for the short term. In times like these, it's so common to panic, react badly, and to abandon the intimate knowledge that you have about this man. You really do have quite the advantage here. You know what he loves about the relationship and what he doesn't love. You know what attracts him and what repels him. You likely know exactly what the issues are.

This is not to say that you should "bow down" or "give in." But, all marriages can stand some improvement, more effort, more time, more attention, and more understanding. Now, everything that you do should come from a very genuine place. You should not act "fake" or do or say things that aren't from your heart. But there is generally a happy middle where you can both get what you want.

Sometimes this process takes time. You should move as slowly as you need to. If you feel some resistance, then handle yourself with grace, put your best self on display and allow him to come to you. Many women are afraid that he never will. But, if you allow him to see those things that he loved about you and you are able to show him real change while still complying with the request that he continues to ask for, then you may well be pleasantly surprised. And often the time and distance actually works in your favor as he has time to miss you.

It was my husband, not me, who wanted space and the separation. Unfortunately, I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to save our marriage. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

He Keeps Hinting About A Trial Separation. What Should I Do?

By: Leslie Cane

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